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Why
rejection hurts
Rejection
isn't an easy pill to swallow. Whether it was a hard blow, a subtle
'hint', fact or fiction, it still smacks of the same bitter flavour.
The incident plagues us, swirling endlessly in our tired minds;
exhausted from trying to work out the whys and wherefores. Rejection
unravels even the best of us and often leaves a trail of broken
dreams, relationships and people behind.
Rejection
punctures the air out the ego; scrambles our brains; eats us from the
inside; robs us of our self-esteem and sometimes bruises the heart.
Many of us do our best to brush it off despite feeling knocked,
deflated and emotionally scarred.
What
causes rejection to sting so much?
What
if I told you that rejection can only hurt you if you truly believed
in it? The fact that you are so triggered by rejection means that you
secretly possess feelings of self-rejection. Rejection can only
injure if such an emotion existed within you. Rejection doesn't have
to be personal unless you want it to be.
Rejection
in relationships
Nothing
hurts more than being rejected by our nearest and dearest; we trust
them; we are invested in their thoughts and opinions; we bare our
souls to these people. However being rejected by our loved ones can
feel like an act of betrayal and cuts like a knife.
We
often reject ideas or people on a subconscious level and sometimes
it's just a matter of miscommunication. If you're in doubt, just ask
for clarity. Be open to ideas for growth and expansion. Ensure that
any constructive feedback is coming from a good place and with a good
dosage of logic! Be discerning. It is one thing to be offered
'information' and another to being attacked. Be wary of the
difference. In any case, you're an individual with your own mind;
beliefs and values. Hence, it is your choice whether you decide to
accept or act on the back of any form of rejection.
It's
a huge tragedy that many of us are being rejected by our close circle
in some underhand, malicious or often indescribable ways. And if
you're one of those poor victims who are being vandalised of their
life force and self-esteem, I ask why you are offering your wonderful
soul to these people? Please see my video on emotional and mental
abuse for more information.
Start
observing your nearest and dearest carefully. Do they measure up in
terms of integrity; honesty; humility and love? If not, perhaps you
should ask why you are placing your trust in those who have such a
warped view of you?
Those
who constantly criticise and reject others often fear rejection
themselves; and rather than running the risk of being rejected they
finish up rejecting others first. Question the real motives of
others; don't be a martyr by accepting other people's inability to
deal with their own feelings of inferiority.
Rejection
in work and groups
Being
an outcast of a social or work group is an emotionally demoralising
experience. And yet, we suck it up, maintain the composure of a good
team player when clearly we are being ostracised and oppressed. It
becomes a soul-destroying routine, whereby they conceal information
from you; talk behind your back; make you the butt of their jokes and
only wish to make your life as awkward as possible. You are conscious
of the backstabbing but feel outnumbered, powerless and probably
desperate to retain your job /social connections. However you need to
be able to see the situation for what it really is - they are making
you an outcast. Whatever their reasons, it probably has nothing to do
with you but their own personal issues.
Wouldn't
you rather be around people who appreciate your time and what you
have to bring to the table? Relationships of any sort are about
healthy exchanges. How we spend our time indicates what we value the
most. So if you are spending time in a work or social environment
which leaves you feeling uninspired, empty or joyless; ask why you
are selling yourself short in the department of emotional wellbeing?
Allow
for some time to do some self-reflection, restoration and finding
inner peace. Look to join other groups who share the same interests
and social graces. In a work situation, consider raising your
concerns with your HR department or start looking for work elsewhere.
Consider tending to the weeds in the way of your emotional wellbeing;
surround yourself with good vibrations; protect yourself from
negative influences; recharge your batteries; draw a line in the sand
and start redesigning your life.
Positivity
begets more positivity and can only be good for the mind, body, soul
as well as the old bank account!
Rejection
can be our teacher
Let's
say you applied for a lucrative job, you aced the final interview,
only to be dropped at the last minute! You're devastated; you banked
your hopes on something which appeared to be a sure thing, only you
now have to accept will never materialise.
However,
such rejection can help us to ask key questions and to build
character. You may need to ask yourself whether you were
underqualified / overqualified for the position?
Were
you truly ready for that level of responsibility?
Was
it something you actually wanted to do?
Perhaps
the job rejection had little do with your skills but your lack of
self confidence? Do some honest self-analysis, what areas do you
think you can improve on?
Consider
the rejection as a divine opportunity for you to seek a more
appropriate position, boost your self confidence or to improve your
skills.
Rejection
can caution us to stop, revise and replan if necessary!
Rejection
is also a healthy right
Let's
use an example on dating; you've finally plucked up the courage to
speak to the object of your affection. You might even have had the
chance to get to know them a little better and to even know that
they're single. However when you finally ask them out, they
strongly shut you down. The feelings of awkwardness, humiliation and
rejection will probably haunt you, especially if you have to be in
close proximity to that person, such as in a work setting.
Each
of us has had to reject people and situations for all sorts of weird
and wonderful reasons and again, it probably had more to do with our
own personal issues than anything else. Living in such a fast-paced
society with endless tasks and demands on our precious time means we
cannot always say yes to every job opportunity; every social
invitation and every potential suitor! It is healthy to be able to
say 'No'.
Everybody
has been gifted with free will. And, we should respect the free will
of others as much as we treasure our own. What might intrigue or be
considered as important by one person, probably couldn't be rated any
less by another. So, rather than see rejection as a curse, see it as
a healthy right and even a blessing in disguise. Just because that
one person (out of 7 billion) cannot recognise your attractiveness
and worth doesn't mean someone else won't. Respect the free will of
others and remind yourself that you might also have to do a little
rejecting at some point too!
Reframe
rejection and find an outlet
Understand
that the reasons for rejection are as varied and complex as we are as
individuals. Therefore, there is little point trying to comprehend or
accept all forms of rejection. Strive to only accept constructive
feedback which will be of benefit to you and decide to discard the
rest. Be selective and firm. Distance yourself from those who are
overly negative and critical. Protect yourself from energy sappers.
You have a right to even refuse rejection!
Understandably,
the sting of rejection cannot be removed by logic alone. Even those
who are masters of psychology also experience rejection and it's
painful lingering emotions. Therefore, allow yourself to wallow and
get angry for a bit! It's perfectly ok to feel down in the dumps
every now and then. Let whatever needs to be expressed, be expressed.
Permit yourself sufficient time to allow the processing of whatever
emotions crop up. Look for healthy releases which leave you feeling
less burdened and revitalised.
Some
healthy outlets:
- Journalling
- Painting/arts and crafts
- Consulting a trusted friend /therapist / counsellor
- Singing
- Meditating
- Physical activities such as going for a run, yoga, punching a pillow..etc
- Cleaning / DIY
- Joining a support group
- Having a good cry
Find creative ways to express the whole palate of your emotions. Consult a professional or confide in a trusted friend. Surround yourself with positive influences and people. Give yourself plenty of time for rest, recovery, reflection and re-evaluation. Embrace your feelings, be kind to yourself and trust that you are worth more than the pain you are feeling right now.
Rejection
is just an opinion; it does not have to define you.
If
the above resonates with you and you'd like to explore a personal
matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.
Sophie
x
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