How can I get my ex back?

It's frequently asked "How can I get my ex back?" and while there aren't any hard and fast rules, here's some general things to consider:

Self analysis

Before we start following them everywhere like a lost puppy, we need to get a grip and ask ourselves why the relationship fell apart in the first place. We cannot justify what our partner had done but we can certainly speak for ourselves. Ask yourself what part did you have to play in the whole dynamic? Were you too self sacrificing or too selfish? Too critical? Too paranoid? Too needy? The list goes on and on. If you are serious about rekindling with an ex it pays to be self aware. Why? Because your ex wants to know that you are aware of your own issues plus you're committed to change. Put yourself in their shoes, would you take back an abusive ex if they were in full denial of the crime and reluctant to change their ways? This is not about self blame but being able to see yourself clearly. Ask why your ex wouldn't want to have you back again? What would you have done differently? If you have pangs of regrets then you know its a case of unfinished business. Better to invest some time to investigate where you went wrong before you start trying to put a ring on it.

So what could be your problem?

Expectations

Sometimes our partners want to give up simply because they don't feel appreciated or valued.

Did we have overly high expectations of our partner? If so then I'm afraid that you are in the wrong! I realise I may upset quite a few folk in saying that but bear with me! Whenever we have expectations of another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Respect the fact that the other person is an individual in their own right. They have their own beliefs, desires, hang ups and above all, free will. That isn't to say that I am condoning abusive behaviour. Instead, I'm referring to unreasonable expectations such as wanting a man to propose within 12 months of dating (I plead guilty). Love of the highest degree should be unconditional. In other words, we love them in spite of them failing to meet our needs or wishes. Forgive your partner for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Remember their unique qualities that drew you in. And don't forget to tell them that they are appreciated. By all means, make suggestions for improvement but don't take them for granted.

What if our partners were simply unloving, unethical and unfair you ask? Well, perhaps ask yourself whether you want to stay with a partner who treats you this way? Then again it may be worthwhile explaining the fact that you don't feel loved by them. Be truthful in your delivery and ensure that there isn't any blame attached. Something along the lines of "I love that you are so supportive. However I've been doing all the housework and it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I would really appreciate it if you could help out more." I believe that men and women have equal responsibility of the household/children. A person who expects their partner to wash up after them all the time is being selfish. We cannot expect such a person to change however we can explain that we cannot continue keeping up such practices indefinitely and that something needs to change.

Trust

Were you overly suspicious of your ex? Or were they mistrusting of you? Did you have any reason to be suspicious or untrustworthy? So long as you have the best intentions, you shouldn't have anything to fear. If the trust has been broken between the two of you consider what YOU can offer to rebuild trust? For example, if your ex partner cheated on you and is remorseful, you may try offering to forgive and forget; and work through your anger and grief via counselling etc.

If you truly want to make things work with your ex then you will need to be serious about becoming a more loving and improved version of yourself. Look after yourself better, take ownership of your feelings and aim to walk the walk.

Mind games

There are several articles that tell us to act hard to get and I have to say that these simply do not work – in the long run. You may be able to cajole or manipulate somebody into doing a certain thing however this just causes unnecessary psychological damage. And eventually everybody gets bored of the boy who cried wolf. We do not need to resort to silly childish games in order to raise the standards within the relationship. We can simply be more loving and truthful. In a world of opposites, I've had my fair share of men pretend to hate me when they actually wanted me and the memories make me sick to the stomach. I would've given them far more love and respect had they been evolved enough to come out with the truth. If you really wanted a promotion at work would you openly declare to the interviewer that you couldn't care less whether you got the job or not? Most likely not. So why would we resort to such silly games when it comes to our relationships? Understandably no one wants to feel vulnerable. Although, if you're not prepared to be emotionally open then I doubt that you truly want to be in a healthy relationship. If you really want things to work out with your ex, leave the mind games behind and bring your A game!

Anger

The ultimate passion killer in my books. Nobody wants to be around an angry person. Anger has it's place (please see my Blog entry on Anger for more info) however it's generally unwelcome in polite company. So why have it out on your partner? Or why let yourself be the emotional punch bag? Anger is one of the highest sins you can commit in a relationship. Most of us wouldn't imagine screaming at an adorable puppy so how could we bring ourselves to yell at our partners? Projecting anger of any form is a low blow and only damages those around you and eventually ourselves. Whenever we are angry at someone we have essentially crossed a sacred threshold and broken their trust. Emotional scars don't show on the surface but they can cut deep and sometimes remain for life. If you have anger issues towards your partner or in general it's best to own up and get some help if you can.

Resentment

Also another facet of anger. Resentment poisons any future hope so long as we hang onto it. Hanging onto resentments may make you feel righteous however in the end they only serve to weigh you down and remain stuck in the past. When we are unable to move past certain hurts we become enslaved by them and eventually end up attracting similar events/characters anyway. The universe is always throwing curve balls to test our abilities to love and learning forgiveness is one the most advanced things we can do, emotionally speaking. Not many of us have actually forgiven from our hearts. If you cannot wholeheartedly forgive your partner for everything then consider the resuscitation of your relationship pointless! Learning to forgive means being able to have compassion and empathy for our mistakes and others. Forgiving your partner for their wrongdoings frees you from the clutches of deep seated anger and negativity. Your partner will be able to feel safe again to open up to you and perhaps be more motivated to love more in return!

So what next?

Once you've done some soul searching, it's time to reach out to your ex! Be confident, positive and truthful. Tell them what you've learned. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would like to see happen. Don't be afraid to hold back. This is your chance to really show them how much you care and wish to make things better!

Aim to keep your word and don't fall back into old habits!

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sometimes we have to lose something great to realise what it truly meant to us.

Wishing you all the best,

Sophie x 

Click here to access my website for more!

I suspect that my partner is cheating. Is it wrong to spy on them?

Deep down we know it's wrong but the temptation is often unbearable. Who are they texting? What do they really get up to when we're not around? Could they be hiding something or is it our own insecurities at play? Many of us at some point have wanted to check up on our partners. But why?

Perhaps our reasons are completely justified. Maybe you've noticed that they've been more distracted lately. Maybe you're having more arguments. Maybe they're spending more time at work/the gym? With any sudden changes in behaviour, it's all too easy to suspect that they could be keeping something shady from you.

We might confront them, the accused may evade the issue; become defensive; aggressive or even lie. This often leaves us with a feeling of hopelessness. That they leave us no choice but to play detective...

However there are some thoughts and risks we need to take into account. For example, let's imagine if you do uncover something questionable? What if you are faced with the non negotiable fact that they are cheating? How would this make you feel? Are you emotionally ready to accept an act/repeated acts of indiscretion? Then again, what if you discover nothing, would you feel satisfied or suspect that they must have deleted the evidence/have another account/have another mobile? Also, consider the possibility that you might be caught for spying? 

Spying is wrong and damaging, and deep down we know it.

Let's focus on the damage it does to you.  The need to snoop on someone is actually causing you more harm because you are giving your time, focus and energy away from yourself and other priorities. Many of us wish for truth, but we want it now and sometimes in the most destructive way possible! Having to go out of your way isn't actually necessary! Knowing whether your partner is hiding something from you is actually a lot easier than you think (much more on that later). You see, busting into your partner's phone /computer only serves as a distraction from you having to deal with your feelings. Instead of experiencing, releasing and moving past the pain, you are actually prolonging the suffering and anxiety for yourself. 

Not only is it dis-empowering but a waste of your precious time and energy. That time could be better spent on developing the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, family or even with your significant other. To find the truth, we simply need to be ready for it. Only then will the truth reveal itself without you even needing to lift a finger. 

Ironically, spying only serves to create even more distance in a relationship. How we feel about cheating is probably how our partner feels about spying! Both are acts of betrayal in a sense. Now if you happen to stumble across something, that's an entirely different matter. But hacking into their email account is desperate and taking things too far. How would you feel if your partner accused you of cheating and instead of calling it out, decides to snoop instead? I think you get the point. Put yourself in their shoes, guilty or not, how would you wish to be approached?

I know for many, snooping may be justified however it could just drive the two of you further apart. Especially if your partner happens to be innocent!

Spying is morally wrong because we are invading their right to privacy plus the act in itself is in direct opposition to love. Instead of allowing our partners to feel safe to open up to us we are virtually using a crowbar to force entry into their mind and heart. This can cause them to become resentful and seldom motivates them to be truthful anyway. If your partner were ever to find out about your spying ways then there's a chance that they may never forgive you. 

Why do we spy?

Lack of trust

We have problems trusting others or even ourselves. Perhaps we've had our fingers burnt before and are now twice shy. Perhaps your partner is displaying a lot of concerning behaviour that causes you to automatically assume the worst. Whatever the case, best to acknowledge the way you are feeling but don't act out on the urge to snoop (more tips on that later).

Self preservation

We feel that we are entitled to the truth in order to protect ourselves. I agree that we must take measures to protect ourselves however there are other ways to deal with the problem other than spying. Spying is actually a sign of losing control!

Vulnerability and insecurities

Love is the strongest force however it can also make us feel vulnerable and insecure. We are afraid of losing our partners and being rejected by them. We feel hurt, powerless and angry. The feelings become so uncomfortable that we feel the need to transfer these emotions onto our partner, even in an indirect way.

Every time you snoop on your partner you are demonstrating that even if you gave them the opportunity to speak up, you wouldn't trust them anyway. Depending on how connected your partner is to your emotions, they may or may not pick up on this unrest from you on a subconscious level. Often times a partner can sense changes in your behaviour too!

So if spying isn't the ideal solution, what can I do instead?

Investigate the triggers for your suspicions. What alarmed you? Was it something they said or done. Or was it a mere gut feeling? Regardless, it is important to honour but not obey your unpleasant feelings. We are emotional beings after all and trying to deny your pain just causes more pain in the end. When we suppress our unpleasant emotions we are actually damaging ourselves. We are not allowing ourselves to be authentic, we are betraying our own heart. What bubbles to the surface, needs to be released otherwise it will just be a matter of time before we get those creepy feelings again. Don't try to defer your feelings. Don't try to buy yourself time. It's likely that what you are experiencing is a deep rooted concern, inflicted on you well before this relationship. Hence, it is healthy to explore, express and release any negative emotions to bring you closer to your own personal sense of power, serenity and truth.

Stage 1: Confront your demons

I'll need you to put your rational mind to one side for the time being. This is an emotional issue which is best dealt with emotionally. Find a safe and private place to allow the sense of betrayal and anguish to wash over you. Scream into a pillow, attack a punchbag and cry if you must. If you find yourself feeling as though you are in  a childlike state then you are on the right path! Try to get in touch with the real cause of your feelings. What is beneath all the anger and pain? Is it a deep sense of unworthiness; inadequacy; fear or hopelessness? Write it all down. Take responsibility for your own emotions. Please refrain from projecting your suspicions onto your partner (we will deal with them at a later point). No one can make you feel bad unless you let them. And if you feel bad, don't judge yourself but allow it to pass through you. Each time you release the heavy feelings, you will emerge lighter and stronger. Once you feel ready to accept the possibility that they are having an affair, proceed to the next stage.

Stage 2: Speak to your partner

Once you've spent some time processing your thoughts and feelings, now is the perfect time to approach your significant other. You may choose to do this face to face or via Email/Letter. Pick whichever makes you comfortable. Be brave and express your concerns. Try not to attack or accuse them, rather just ask (calmly) whether they are having an affair. Explain that it is important to you and that you can deal with the truth.

What if they are guilty?

Respect the fact that they have come clean. If you still feel hurt and angry then you will probably need to revisit Stage 1. Give yourself enough time to fully process everything. Your guilty partner needs to understand that what they've done is selfish and damaging to the relationship. Ask them to explore the reasons why they felt the need to have an affair. Both of you will need to take some time apart to reflect on everything. If both parties still have love for one another then it's a high probability that they will overcome this. However if your partner shows little remorse or motivation to deal with the problem, consider whether you want to continue a lifetime of being treated badly?

No matter how much we love another person, we cannot make them love us back.

And what if they are in the clear? 

Trust your gut. If you feel they are lying, then chances are it's probably true. All I can recommend is that you consider them innocent until proven guilty. Ensure that their words and actions add up. A person who has a tendency to act in opposition to their words shouldn't be trusted anyway. In which case, this poses an even greater issue (more on this in another post).

On the other hand, if you are blessed with a loyal partner then rejoice! However it may be beneficial to work through any residual feelings so that this wont cause any problems between the two of you somewhere down the line.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more!

The importance of truth in relationships

Honesty is the best policy. And yet many of us shy away from the truth. If truth is so highly valued, why do we still lie?

Frankly, most of us even lie about wanting the truth. If your partner was cheating on you all this time, would you be able to handle it? What would you do? What if they revealed their real motivations for cheating? What if it was because they found you boring in bed; not attractive enough; not rich enough; not smart enough; not skinny enough, etc? What if they confessed that they were just using you until they found something better? How would that make you feel? 

Chances are you would feel an overwhelming sense of hurt, injustice, disappointment and humiliation. To know that this person you loved was toying with your feelings. Had no intention of really being with you. They just used you for their own selfish gain. To satisfy their ego. To fill in the void. To kill some time. For their own entertainment. All those heartfelt moments you shared were actually an illusion. Whilst you may have cared for them deeply, you were nothing but a source of amusement to them. This truth would break your heart. Your world would come crashing down. The sobering realisation that the relationship never existed but was just a playground of lies and deception. A cunning trap to take advantage of your good will and good heart. 

Lies cause destruction to relationships and to one's integrity. Those who lie are naturally overly suspicious of others. After all if they make a habit of doing it all the time then it's easy to assume that others may be playing the same game too? Pathological liars cannot trust anyone, especially themselves. This can only create a restless, complicated and unstable existence for one. The whole point of getting into relationships is because we trust and want to open up to another. Being open means being honest which equates to more intimacy. Therefore lies only serve to create emotional distance and destroy any hope of a real connection. If you are constantly lying to your partner then consider the fact that you are choosing to be selfish and not loving them. You are protecting your own ego and abusing their free will by restricting them access to potentially unsavoury information. Important information that may otherwise cause them to act and behave differently. The more you lie, the less people really know you. Remaining in a relationship where you don't want to know or be known is simply illogical. If you truly loved this person then you wouldn't want them to accept nor suffer for your lies. The truth sets you free as they say.

If we had love for others we would want be truthful and not purposefully engage in relations that we know have no real mileage. We would be upfront about our emotional state. Perhaps we would even learn to love ourselves and seek counselling to break the cycle of hurting and using others. Truth never hurts - only the exposure of a lie. 

I would like to see couples come clean about their lies, even the ones that appear ancient or insignificant. Granted there is a risk that the relationship may disintegrate. However the relationship was never real in the first place. Then again, it may not spell the end in which case there's hope that the relationship could blossom into something more authentic, deeper and fulfilling.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Check out my website for more