How many of us have tried moving on from an ex but only to find ourselves obsessing over them? We dread to think if they've forgotten about us already and moved onto something better. We stalk their facebook page, play sad music, get lost in thoughts of memories you once shared. We hope and pray that they are thinking of us and missing us too. And yet even if we try our best to move on, date other people, conquer the world, lingering thoughts of them still bubble up. Frustrating!
Why is it so hard to get over an ex? The truth is part of you doesn't want to get over them. Your precious time, energy and heart was invested in that person and it takes time and much effort to undo all of those pent up emotions, hopes and dreams. Breaking up is similar to the death of a beloved. To really get over an ex you have to accept that it is over. That means truly believing that you will never have that person in your life as a romantic partner ever again. When we let ourselves experience the actual grief of losing someone we love we can begin to free ourselves.
Love is an emotional thing. It's not logical so there's little point trying to convince yourself how you should FEEL. It is acceptable and normal to have feelings of anger, hurt, fear, pain and depression after a break up. In my 30's I have found that it doesn't get any easier but it's a necessary process in order to free our hearts and souls for someone new.
One of the most controversial pieces of advice I'd received in speeding up the recovery process is to FORCE yourself to think about that person all the time! It actually worked, by the end of the day I was so exhausted and sick of thinking of them that I was actually excited to be working away at my desk. It's like I purged him from my system and this freed up capacity for other interesting things.
So if you're feeling down about a break up - it's ok to cry! Put down that tub of Ben and Jerrys and hide under the duvet instead. Allow your mind, body and soul to feel the hurt; write about it, sing about it, do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. By allowing yourself to fully experience all the emotions tied to the past, you will no longer be living in the past. Be kind. If you feel like you're missing them, allow yourself to miss them. If you feel like being angry, find a good outlet for the anger. Emotions are made to be expressed, not repressed. Better out than in. Don't concern yourself with what your ex is thinking /doing. This is your moment to be selfish and take good care of yourself. Hold yourself as you grieve. Let yourself have more sleep. Allow the full scale of emotions to flow through you. Release them and offer them up the universe through dance, song, poetry, art,.... or even cleaning! Channel that pain and anguish and transform it into something beautiful.
Don't look to defer the hurt and frustration. Choose to deal with it now. With the right approach, time and support you'll find your feet again and will be able to stand, even stronger.
Personally I feel great after a good cry. Who else feels the same?
If you wish to explore this private matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.
Sophie x
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