How can I get my ex back?

It's frequently asked "How can I get my ex back?" and while there aren't any hard and fast rules, here's some general things to consider:

Self analysis

Before we start following them everywhere like a lost puppy, we need to get a grip and ask ourselves why the relationship fell apart in the first place. We cannot justify what our partner had done but we can certainly speak for ourselves. Ask yourself what part did you have to play in the whole dynamic? Were you too self sacrificing or too selfish? Too critical? Too paranoid? Too needy? The list goes on and on. If you are serious about rekindling with an ex it pays to be self aware. Why? Because your ex wants to know that you are aware of your own issues plus you're committed to change. Put yourself in their shoes, would you take back an abusive ex if they were in full denial of the crime and reluctant to change their ways? This is not about self blame but being able to see yourself clearly. Ask why your ex wouldn't want to have you back again? What would you have done differently? If you have pangs of regrets then you know its a case of unfinished business. Better to invest some time to investigate where you went wrong before you start trying to put a ring on it.

So what could be your problem?

Expectations

Sometimes our partners want to give up simply because they don't feel appreciated or valued.

Did we have overly high expectations of our partner? If so then I'm afraid that you are in the wrong! I realise I may upset quite a few folk in saying that but bear with me! Whenever we have expectations of another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Respect the fact that the other person is an individual in their own right. They have their own beliefs, desires, hang ups and above all, free will. That isn't to say that I am condoning abusive behaviour. Instead, I'm referring to unreasonable expectations such as wanting a man to propose within 12 months of dating (I plead guilty). Love of the highest degree should be unconditional. In other words, we love them in spite of them failing to meet our needs or wishes. Forgive your partner for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Remember their unique qualities that drew you in. And don't forget to tell them that they are appreciated. By all means, make suggestions for improvement but don't take them for granted.

What if our partners were simply unloving, unethical and unfair you ask? Well, perhaps ask yourself whether you want to stay with a partner who treats you this way? Then again it may be worthwhile explaining the fact that you don't feel loved by them. Be truthful in your delivery and ensure that there isn't any blame attached. Something along the lines of "I love that you are so supportive. However I've been doing all the housework and it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I would really appreciate it if you could help out more." I believe that men and women have equal responsibility of the household/children. A person who expects their partner to wash up after them all the time is being selfish. We cannot expect such a person to change however we can explain that we cannot continue keeping up such practices indefinitely and that something needs to change.

Trust

Were you overly suspicious of your ex? Or were they mistrusting of you? Did you have any reason to be suspicious or untrustworthy? So long as you have the best intentions, you shouldn't have anything to fear. If the trust has been broken between the two of you consider what YOU can offer to rebuild trust? For example, if your ex partner cheated on you and is remorseful, you may try offering to forgive and forget; and work through your anger and grief via counselling etc.

If you truly want to make things work with your ex then you will need to be serious about becoming a more loving and improved version of yourself. Look after yourself better, take ownership of your feelings and aim to walk the walk.

Mind games

There are several articles that tell us to act hard to get and I have to say that these simply do not work – in the long run. You may be able to cajole or manipulate somebody into doing a certain thing however this just causes unnecessary psychological damage. And eventually everybody gets bored of the boy who cried wolf. We do not need to resort to silly childish games in order to raise the standards within the relationship. We can simply be more loving and truthful. In a world of opposites, I've had my fair share of men pretend to hate me when they actually wanted me and the memories make me sick to the stomach. I would've given them far more love and respect had they been evolved enough to come out with the truth. If you really wanted a promotion at work would you openly declare to the interviewer that you couldn't care less whether you got the job or not? Most likely not. So why would we resort to such silly games when it comes to our relationships? Understandably no one wants to feel vulnerable. Although, if you're not prepared to be emotionally open then I doubt that you truly want to be in a healthy relationship. If you really want things to work out with your ex, leave the mind games behind and bring your A game!

Anger

The ultimate passion killer in my books. Nobody wants to be around an angry person. Anger has it's place (please see my Blog entry on Anger for more info) however it's generally unwelcome in polite company. So why have it out on your partner? Or why let yourself be the emotional punch bag? Anger is one of the highest sins you can commit in a relationship. Most of us wouldn't imagine screaming at an adorable puppy so how could we bring ourselves to yell at our partners? Projecting anger of any form is a low blow and only damages those around you and eventually ourselves. Whenever we are angry at someone we have essentially crossed a sacred threshold and broken their trust. Emotional scars don't show on the surface but they can cut deep and sometimes remain for life. If you have anger issues towards your partner or in general it's best to own up and get some help if you can.

Resentment

Also another facet of anger. Resentment poisons any future hope so long as we hang onto it. Hanging onto resentments may make you feel righteous however in the end they only serve to weigh you down and remain stuck in the past. When we are unable to move past certain hurts we become enslaved by them and eventually end up attracting similar events/characters anyway. The universe is always throwing curve balls to test our abilities to love and learning forgiveness is one the most advanced things we can do, emotionally speaking. Not many of us have actually forgiven from our hearts. If you cannot wholeheartedly forgive your partner for everything then consider the resuscitation of your relationship pointless! Learning to forgive means being able to have compassion and empathy for our mistakes and others. Forgiving your partner for their wrongdoings frees you from the clutches of deep seated anger and negativity. Your partner will be able to feel safe again to open up to you and perhaps be more motivated to love more in return!

So what next?

Once you've done some soul searching, it's time to reach out to your ex! Be confident, positive and truthful. Tell them what you've learned. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would like to see happen. Don't be afraid to hold back. This is your chance to really show them how much you care and wish to make things better!

Aim to keep your word and don't fall back into old habits!

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sometimes we have to lose something great to realise what it truly meant to us.

Wishing you all the best,

Sophie x 

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