***This post is also available as an audio file on Youtube ***
For those who are struggling with the formatting of this post please click here to be redirected to my blog
The
following are 7 top lessons I've learned from experience, which have
proven to be particularly liberating in my battle with the bullies.
As
the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love. However, isn't it
about time that we challenge this strange belief? Why does society
accept this form of torture and most importantly what can you do to
put an end to it?
Lesson
number 1: Check in with your feelings for signs of abuse
There
are endless examples which define mental and emotional abuse. However
it always boils down to the same thing. And that is - how do they
make you feel? Do they have a tendency to make you feel:
-
Overly
self conscious?
-
Like
you're walking on eggshells?
-
Jealous?
-
Rejected?
-
Guilty?
-
Embarrassed?
-
Controlled?
-
Stressed?
-
Drained?
-
Worthless?
Unfortunately,
most skilled abusers like to play within the limits so your best bet
is to go with your gut because the body never lies.
We've
all encountered unsavoury people, at some point in our lives who've
ridiculed us; criticised us; controlled us; betrayed us and just made
us feel downright miserable. They may be highly intelligent people;
respected people with status, who come up with the most convincing
arguments and justifications for their 'tough love'.
In
truth, they are nothing but cowards; morally unethical people who
cannot control themselves and thus have no qualms projecting their
own issues on you! And despite what your peers might say – such
bullying behaviour is neither harmless, helpful or entertaining.
Trust
your feelings and stop making allowances for their bullying ways.
Lesson
number 2: You cannot reason with them or appeal to their softer side
during an attack
You
can try to plead, beg or call out the white elephant in the room.
However, this wont go down well with your abuser and will probably
backfire. Even attempting to have any sort of rational conversation
with them at this point is like running through an assault course -
minus the glory. You will never beat them at their own game so
there's no point wasting your breath, or fighting fire with fire.
They are merciless, relentless and vindictive.
Trying
to speak up for yourself or even defend yourself will only cause them
to become increasingly resentful and enraged; and only results in
more pain and destruction.
Lesson
number 3: Your attention = more encouragement for their bad behaviour
Stop
rewarding them with any more of your time, energy or amazing
qualities when they're behaving like blood thirsty sharks. Any
flustered or heated reaction from you gets them going; then they
berate you for 'overreacting' and simply wash their hands of their
responsibility. It's an incredibly frustrating and humiliating
experience. They are feeding off of your emotions; good or bad so
stop trying to be an appeaser, feeding the crocodile and hoping he
will eat you last! Set healthy boundaries and stop engaging with
people who feed on such low vibration energies; even if they do
happen to be your significant other!
Lesson
number 4: Practice the art of retreating
“The
supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. - Sun
Tzu, The Art of War
Whilst
it's true that your abuser may have had a difficult childhood or was
exposed to much disturbing social activity; it does not excuse them
of their cruelty. By all means, feel free to give them your deepest
sympathies but don't allow yourself to be their chew toy any longer.
Free yourself from their clutches. Show yourself some self-love and
self-respect by disengaging. You cannot save those who do not wish to
be saved. If you must save one person, let it be you under these
circumstances.
The
next time you've become a prime target for their bullying; just
simply withdraw and do your best to not react. Internalise your
thoughts and feelings. It's the only safe option you have. Choose
peace over the need to be right. You have the right to walk away from
a bad situation with your dignity still intact. Allow them to cool
down. And if they do come to their senses, explain how their
behaviour makes you feel and that its not something you wish to
entertain further. Be firm but be kind. Don't play with them at their
own low-level games.
Lesson
number 5: Judge them by their actions
Once
you've mastered the art of retreating, observe their reaction! Are
they willing to see your point and are they motivated to address
their issues? If not, it may be time to consider detoxing these
dangerous influences from your life. Otherwise, you'll just end up
feeling utterly drained from constantly banging your head against a
brick wall. They are perfectly aware of what they're doing – which
is basically hurting you. Don't allow them to hide behind their
excuses. If their choice to remain 'broken' overrules your happiness
then let that be a red flag of how little they value and care about
you!
Your
request for better behaviour is not unreasonable! Take your business
elsewhere and converse with like minded people - they are out there!
Lesson
number 6: Educate yourself – knowledge is power!
Ask
yourself why you've attracted such an abusive person in your life? Do
you have a propensity to attract people who mistreat you in a certain
way, over and over again? Did you grow up with an overbearing parent
or guardian who always abused you in such ways that left you feeling
worthless, defenceless and somehow responsible for their erratic
behaviour?
Arm
yourself with as much information as possible. Seek guidance from a
professional if you can, to help navigate you through the process.
Develop an understanding of what has caused you to tolerate such
people or situations? Do you harbour feelings of low self-worth? Have
you been duped into believing that drama in relationships equates to
passion? Do you have a tendency to play rescuer; forever attempting
to fix problems that aren't even yours?
As
you develop a deeper understanding of the core issues, you will start
to view things differently. The control your abuser once had will
diminish and you will be able to break the cycle once and for all.
Lesson
number 7: Don't blame yourself for their abusive behaviour
That's
exactly what they want you to believe - because they are incapable of
dealing with any sort of blaming themselves. Abusers are simply
venomous; they stir up drama, intimidate and twist facts to fit their
crazy arguments. And they derive unhealthy pleasure from making
victims feel weak, uncomfortable and confused. They are sad people
who damage others for their own entertainment. And they know exactly
what they are doing – which is basically hurting you.
Allow
yourself to feel the anger, frustration, unjust and tears bottled up
inside. It's not your fault that they're acting unreasonable. They
chose to abuse - not you. Don't beat yourself because there is
nothing that you can do to make them stop. They've created a game in
which you will have no chance of winning. So why bother playing a
game which always results in you being the loser?
Recap
If
you find yourself becoming a victim of their abusive traps again, try
not to revert to your usual responses. And if you do relapse, forgive
yourself and make a conscious effort to do things differently next
time. It will take some practice but it will become second nature.
Don't focus your energies on trying to correct their behaviour.
Instead, start focusing on what you can do to turn the tables in your
favour.
Show
them your worth and value by disconnecting. Give them the opposite of
what they want! Forgive yourself, learn from the lessons, get as much
information and support as you can. Every step, no matter how small
is an investment towards the reclaiming of you; your power; your
identity; your hopes and dreams; your beliefs and your destiny. Just
remember that by dodging their senseless games, it makes you the
winner! Rise above and withdraw and know that by doing so, you are
refusing to be anybody's clown.
If
you wish to explore a personal matter further, please see me for a
friendly personal consultation.
Sophie
x
***This post is also available as an audio file on Youtube ***
For those who are struggling with the formatting of this post please click here to be redirected to my blog
As
the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love. However, isn't it
about time that we challenge this strange belief? Why does society
accept this form of torture and most importantly what can you do to
put an end to it?
Lesson
number 1: Check in with your feelings for signs of abuse
There
are endless examples which define mental and emotional abuse. However
it always boils down to the same thing. And that is - how do they
make you feel? Do they have a tendency to make you feel:
- Overly self conscious?
- Like you're walking on eggshells?
- Jealous?
- Rejected?
- Guilty?
- Embarrassed?
- Controlled?
- Stressed?
- Drained?
- Worthless?
Unfortunately,
most skilled abusers like to play within the limits so your best bet
is to go with your gut because the body never lies.
We've
all encountered unsavoury people, at some point in our lives who've
ridiculed us; criticised us; controlled us; betrayed us and just made
us feel downright miserable. They may be highly intelligent people;
respected people with status, who come up with the most convincing
arguments and justifications for their 'tough love'.
In
truth, they are nothing but cowards; morally unethical people who
cannot control themselves and thus have no qualms projecting their
own issues on you! And despite what your peers might say – such
bullying behaviour is neither harmless, helpful or entertaining.
Trust
your feelings and stop making allowances for their bullying ways.
Lesson
number 2: You cannot reason with them or appeal to their softer side
during an attack
You
can try to plead, beg or call out the white elephant in the room.
However, this wont go down well with your abuser and will probably
backfire. Even attempting to have any sort of rational conversation
with them at this point is like running through an assault course -
minus the glory. You will never beat them at their own game so
there's no point wasting your breath, or fighting fire with fire.
They are merciless, relentless and vindictive.
Trying
to speak up for yourself or even defend yourself will only cause them
to become increasingly resentful and enraged; and only results in
more pain and destruction.
Lesson
number 3: Your attention = more encouragement for their bad behaviour
Stop
rewarding them with any more of your time, energy or amazing
qualities when they're behaving like blood thirsty sharks. Any
flustered or heated reaction from you gets them going; then they
berate you for 'overreacting' and simply wash their hands of their
responsibility. It's an incredibly frustrating and humiliating
experience. They are feeding off of your emotions; good or bad so
stop trying to be an appeaser, feeding the crocodile and hoping he
will eat you last! Set healthy boundaries and stop engaging with
people who feed on such low vibration energies; even if they do
happen to be your significant other!
Lesson
number 4: Practice the art of retreating
“The
supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. - Sun
Tzu, The Art of War
Whilst
it's true that your abuser may have had a difficult childhood or was
exposed to much disturbing social activity; it does not excuse them
of their cruelty. By all means, feel free to give them your deepest
sympathies but don't allow yourself to be their chew toy any longer.
Free yourself from their clutches. Show yourself some self-love and
self-respect by disengaging. You cannot save those who do not wish to
be saved. If you must save one person, let it be you under these
circumstances.
The
next time you've become a prime target for their bullying; just
simply withdraw and do your best to not react. Internalise your
thoughts and feelings. It's the only safe option you have. Choose
peace over the need to be right. You have the right to walk away from
a bad situation with your dignity still intact. Allow them to cool
down. And if they do come to their senses, explain how their
behaviour makes you feel and that its not something you wish to
entertain further. Be firm but be kind. Don't play with them at their
own low-level games.
Lesson
number 5: Judge them by their actions
Once
you've mastered the art of retreating, observe their reaction! Are
they willing to see your point and are they motivated to address
their issues? If not, it may be time to consider detoxing these
dangerous influences from your life. Otherwise, you'll just end up
feeling utterly drained from constantly banging your head against a
brick wall. They are perfectly aware of what they're doing – which
is basically hurting you. Don't allow them to hide behind their
excuses. If their choice to remain 'broken' overrules your happiness
then let that be a red flag of how little they value and care about
you!
Your
request for better behaviour is not unreasonable! Take your business
elsewhere and converse with like minded people - they are out there!
Lesson
number 6: Educate yourself – knowledge is power!
Ask
yourself why you've attracted such an abusive person in your life? Do
you have a propensity to attract people who mistreat you in a certain
way, over and over again? Did you grow up with an overbearing parent
or guardian who always abused you in such ways that left you feeling
worthless, defenceless and somehow responsible for their erratic
behaviour?
Arm
yourself with as much information as possible. Seek guidance from a
professional if you can, to help navigate you through the process.
Develop an understanding of what has caused you to tolerate such
people or situations? Do you harbour feelings of low self-worth? Have
you been duped into believing that drama in relationships equates to
passion? Do you have a tendency to play rescuer; forever attempting
to fix problems that aren't even yours?
As
you develop a deeper understanding of the core issues, you will start
to view things differently. The control your abuser once had will
diminish and you will be able to break the cycle once and for all.
Lesson
number 7: Don't blame yourself for their abusive behaviour
That's
exactly what they want you to believe - because they are incapable of
dealing with any sort of blaming themselves. Abusers are simply
venomous; they stir up drama, intimidate and twist facts to fit their
crazy arguments. And they derive unhealthy pleasure from making
victims feel weak, uncomfortable and confused. They are sad people
who damage others for their own entertainment. And they know exactly
what they are doing – which is basically hurting you.
Allow
yourself to feel the anger, frustration, unjust and tears bottled up
inside. It's not your fault that they're acting unreasonable. They
chose to abuse - not you. Don't beat yourself because there is
nothing that you can do to make them stop. They've created a game in
which you will have no chance of winning. So why bother playing a
game which always results in you being the loser?
Recap
If
you find yourself becoming a victim of their abusive traps again, try
not to revert to your usual responses. And if you do relapse, forgive
yourself and make a conscious effort to do things differently next
time. It will take some practice but it will become second nature.
Don't focus your energies on trying to correct their behaviour.
Instead, start focusing on what you can do to turn the tables in your
favour.
Show
them your worth and value by disconnecting. Give them the opposite of
what they want! Forgive yourself, learn from the lessons, get as much
information and support as you can. Every step, no matter how small
is an investment towards the reclaiming of you; your power; your
identity; your hopes and dreams; your beliefs and your destiny. Just
remember that by dodging their senseless games, it makes you the
winner! Rise above and withdraw and know that by doing so, you are
refusing to be anybody's clown.
If
you wish to explore a personal matter further, please see me for a
friendly personal consultation.
Sophie
x
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