Crimes of a Narcissist – Blame shifting

A Narcissist is nothing more than a mental antagonist; they lure you in with little titbits of concern/kindness before they pull the old bait and switch, leaving you stunned and paralysed.

And yet, they feel entitled to your unconditional love. They feel deserving of your generosity and forgiveness; regardless of the fact that they fail to bestow any such qualities on you. A Narcissist is always a taker and never a giver.

You're left scratching your head, looking for explanations, but challenging their ways just leads to more unanswered questions as the Narcissist forever dodges the bullet. Nothing fears the Narcissist more than having their persona under the microscope. Although being the successful manipulative liars they are they'll always have various tricks up their sleeve, waiting in reserve to allow the slimy Narcissist to slip away unscathed. They are very hard to pin down, unpredictable and unnervingly evasive.

And they do an awfully good job of making you look bad. They make you feel guilty for bringing up their past as though your need to talk about it, is as questionable as the crimes they commit! Narcissists have a lopsided view on morals; they are never accountable for their own wrongdoings. Everybody else is wrong and everybody else is to blame.

I'll use one of my own experiences as an example: A psychic once believed that I was a bad child, which sent my mother's wrathful mindset into overdrive and I was subject to horrific and senseless beatings. There was nothing to support the psychic's suspicions and my mother knew that. My mother was actively looking for reasons to demoralise me but she dumped the blame on the psychic. This is blame shifting. They will blame anyone apart from themselves, they'll even blame you. Everybody to the Narcissist is a scapegoat.

They will point blank deny all accusations or paint their warped interpretation of events and maintain that odd air of aloofness just to rile you even more. It's a corrupt move which prepares more instant gratification for the Narcissist as they extract more supply by agitating you for a reaction. The Narcissist takes delight in being able to illicit emotions – positive or negative so long as it reaffirms their control over you. Blame shifting leaves you self-doubting, confused and exasperated. It's an illogical mind game designed to undermine you in every way.

What they are doing is not harmless. It's not innocent play. Neither is it something we should take lightly or take pity on the Narcissist, because they are and always have been in full control of their faculties. We're talking about control freaks after all. Control freaks who feel above reproach and entitled to cross all social norms and boundaries. They are ruthless murderers of morals; respect for others, integrity and compassion. For, these are the very things that the Narcissist is sorely lacking and has contempt for!

Narcissists are chronic party poopers, spoiled brats and malevolent controllers. They cannot stand the happiness of others; they enjoy raining on your parade; they deliberately keep everyone in the dark about their underhand affairs (should you ever find out, God have mercy!), and they will never give you validation. Any kindness they dole out is puny and often few and far between. Trying to receive a drop of clarity or sincerity from them is like trying to draw blood from a stone.

So when it comes to a Narcissist and their blame shifting; do not accept anything but the absolute truth. Anything else, aside from a confession of their dark motives, is white noise. By tolerating or excusing them of their blame shifting, we are compromising our feelings, values, mental health and enabling the cycle. We are talking about repeated insidious acts, not an isolated incident. It is about time that we challenge the Narcissist's MO. For every time their behaviour goes undetected, another victim suffers.

BLAME SHIFTING AFFECTS YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL WELLBEING

Blame shifting also runs the risk of affecting your emotional and physical wellbeing. It sends you on a never ending tailspin, on an endless quest for answers when the real answers lie within the Narcissist, purposefully hidden for your destruction. Blame shifting (no matter how trivial) plants seeds of doubt and poisonous thought processes, needlessly distracting your focus from more rewarding and important tasks. It drains you of all your precious resources as your mind works tirelessly trying to get answers, solutions and closure. Your personal wellbeing starts to take a backseat and everything including your health is on the slide. Anxiety, lowered self-esteem and sleepless nights take over. Meanwhile, the Narcissist is quietly chuckling to themselves in the knowledge that they're the centre of your universe. Narcissistic abuse is a heavy burden to bear and can cause long term suffering to it's victims, sometimes for many years to come.

Not only is Blame Shifting detrimental to you, as it invalidates your intelligence, feelings, denies closure. It's also counterproductive to the Narcissist! It inhibits their ability to go within and accept full responsibility for their mistakes, stunts their personal growth, keeping them enslaved in this juvenile delinquent state. Blame shifting is a double-edged sword; justice is withheld and the Narcissist is trapped in their self-invented prison.

And that is why blame shifting is a crime. It's a crime against integrity, humanity and love. Blame shifting ends up benefiting no one as the Narcissist's victims eventually tire, fight back or leave. Consequently, the Narcissist never grows any capacity to experience true happiness and the longer they continue to play their games, the darker their world becomes.

So, if you stand for love, compassion and sanity then you must protect your universe from these heartless destroyers. They have no conscience and there are no limits to how much or what they will take from you!

NARCISSISM IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS

Narcissism is a personality disorder, it is not a mental illness that can be treated with medication. The Narcissist is fully conscious of their condition and chooses to exercise their will in the most destructive manner. They cannot be fixed because they do not believe they are broken. So the more a Narcissist remains unchanged, the faster and farther should you run.

There is nothing wrong with loving them but please do so from a safe distance, for your own sake. You will never be heard and you can never save them. And neither do you need the reminders of the past or to bear witness to future offences.

The more contact you have with these people, the more withdrawn, isolated and hopeless you'll become.

Understand that you are not alone or going out of your mind. There are thousands of sufferers bearing the battle scars, still coming to terms and recuperating from the volcanic aftermath of Narcissistic abuse. I know it's hard to comprehend that there are people who could be so hateful and malicious. And I know it's even more disturbing that these people may happen to be your supposed; family members, your partner, your friends or even your own children! However, we need to stop overcompensating for or justifying their villainous behaviour. They are the ones that need to be held accountable for their deviant inclinations.

THE SOLUTION

Accept that blame shifting is another form of abuse. It's a tactic used to disarm, control and injure you. It's not intended to serve you in any way. Ignore your Narcissist's attempt to deploy logic and reason against you and trust your feelings. A person who genuinely loves you would never want to hurt you; minimise your feelings or stand by their venomous words / action.

Speak up! You don't need to suffer in silence anymore. This is the time to reach out, join support groups and speak to an empathetic counsellor / therapist.

We need to heal and forgive ourselves for falling for their tricks time and time again. Just because we've become their prey doesn't mean that we're stupid - quite the contrary!. Narcissists target those who are intelligent, logical and empathetic, but because they lack any integrity they use these wonderful traits against us! In fact, there are a million good reasons why you were chosen. So, please don't beat yourself up. You possess truly special qualities which are the envy of all Narcissists, which is why they want to destroy you.

We can take some comfort in the fact that we are the strong ones. Despite the hell they put us through we will always have a greater ability to love and experience real happiness than they ever will. Reclaim yourself, reclaim your power and stand by your morals. If they aren't with you then they are most definitely against you! Don't feel sorry for the Narcissist as they are not the real victim – you are!

Blame shifting is cowardly, psychologically damaging and only adds more insult to your injuries. Do yourself a favour, develop zero tolerance for blame shifting; honour your hurt feelings and when the time is right, make that decision to end your turmoil by leaving the Narcissist to rot.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

7 top lessons on handling emotional and mental abuse

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The following are 7 top lessons I've learned from experience, which have proven to be particularly liberating in my battle with the bullies. 

As the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love. However, isn't it about time that we challenge this strange belief? Why does society accept this form of torture and most importantly what can you do to put an end to it?

Lesson number 1: Check in with your feelings for signs of abuse

There are endless examples which define mental and emotional abuse. However it always boils down to the same thing. And that is - how do they make you feel? Do they have a tendency to make you feel:

• Overly self conscious?
• Like you're walking on eggshells?
• Jealous?
• Rejected?
• Guilty?
• Embarrassed?
• Controlled?
• Stressed?
• Drained?
• Worthless?

Unfortunately, most skilled abusers like to play within the limits so your best bet is to go with your gut because the body never lies.

We've all encountered unsavoury people, at some point in our lives who've ridiculed us; criticised us; controlled us; betrayed us and just made us feel downright miserable. They may be highly intelligent people; respected people with status, who come up with the most convincing arguments and justifications for their 'tough love'.

In truth, they are nothing but cowards; morally unethical people who cannot control themselves and thus have no qualms projecting their own issues on you! And despite what your peers might say – such bullying behaviour is neither harmless, helpful or entertaining.

Trust your feelings and stop making allowances for their bullying ways.

Lesson number 2: You cannot reason with them or appeal to their softer side during an attack

You can try to plead, beg or call out the white elephant in the room. However, this wont go down well with your abuser and will probably backfire. Even attempting to have any sort of rational conversation with them at this point is like running through an assault course - minus the glory. You will never beat them at their own game so there's no point wasting your breath, or fighting fire with fire. They are merciless, relentless and vindictive.

Trying to speak up for yourself or even defend yourself will only cause them to become increasingly resentful and enraged; and only results in more pain and destruction.

Lesson number 3: Your attention = more encouragement for their bad behaviour

Stop rewarding them with any more of your time, energy or amazing qualities when they're behaving like blood thirsty sharks. Any flustered or heated reaction from you gets them going; then they berate you for 'overreacting' and simply wash their hands of their responsibility. It's an incredibly frustrating and humiliating experience. They are feeding off of your emotions; good or bad so stop trying to be an appeaser, feeding the crocodile and hoping he will eat you last! Set healthy boundaries and stop engaging with people who feed on such low vibration energies; even if they do happen to be your significant other!

Lesson number 4: Practice the art of retreating

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Whilst it's true that your abuser may have had a difficult childhood or was exposed to much disturbing social activity; it does not excuse them of their cruelty. By all means, feel free to give them your deepest sympathies but don't allow yourself to be their chew toy any longer. Free yourself from their clutches. Show yourself some self-love and self-respect by disengaging. You cannot save those who do not wish to be saved. If you must save one person, let it be you under these circumstances.

The next time you've become a prime target for their bullying; just simply withdraw and do your best to not react. Internalise your thoughts and feelings. It's the only safe option you have. Choose peace over the need to be right. You have the right to walk away from a bad situation with your dignity still intact. Allow them to cool down. And if they do come to their senses, explain how their behaviour makes you feel and that its not something you wish to entertain further. Be firm but be kind. Don't play with them at their own low-level games.

Lesson number 5: Judge them by their actions

Once you've mastered the art of retreating, observe their reaction! Are they willing to see your point and are they motivated to address their issues? If not, it may be time to consider detoxing these dangerous influences from your life. Otherwise, you'll just end up feeling utterly drained from constantly banging your head against a brick wall. They are perfectly aware of what they're doing – which is basically hurting you. Don't allow them to hide behind their excuses. If their choice to remain 'broken' overrules your happiness then let that be a red flag of how little they value and care about you!

Your request for better behaviour is not unreasonable! Take your business elsewhere and converse with like minded people - they are out there!

Lesson number 6: Educate yourself – knowledge is power!

Ask yourself why you've attracted such an abusive person in your life? Do you have a propensity to attract people who mistreat you in a certain way, over and over again? Did you grow up with an overbearing parent or guardian who always abused you in such ways that left you feeling worthless, defenceless and somehow responsible for their erratic behaviour?

Arm yourself with as much information as possible. Seek guidance from a professional if you can, to help navigate you through the process. Develop an understanding of what has caused you to tolerate such people or situations? Do you harbour feelings of low self-worth? Have you been duped into believing that drama in relationships equates to passion? Do you have a tendency to play rescuer; forever attempting to fix problems that aren't even yours?

As you develop a deeper understanding of the core issues, you will start to view things differently. The control your abuser once had will diminish and you will be able to break the cycle once and for all.

Lesson number 7: Don't blame yourself for their abusive behaviour

That's exactly what they want you to believe - because they are incapable of dealing with any sort of blaming themselves. Abusers are simply venomous; they stir up drama, intimidate and twist facts to fit their crazy arguments. And they derive unhealthy pleasure from making victims feel weak, uncomfortable and confused. They are sad people who damage others for their own entertainment. And they know exactly what they are doing – which is basically hurting you.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, frustration, unjust and tears bottled up inside. It's not your fault that they're acting unreasonable. They chose to abuse - not you. Don't beat yourself because there is nothing that you can do to make them stop. They've created a game in which you will have no chance of winning. So why bother playing a game which always results in you being the loser?

Recap

If you find yourself becoming a victim of their abusive traps again, try not to revert to your usual responses. And if you do relapse, forgive yourself and make a conscious effort to do things differently next time. It will take some practice but it will become second nature. Don't focus your energies on trying to correct their behaviour. Instead, start focusing on what you can do to turn the tables in your favour.

Show them your worth and value by disconnecting. Give them the opposite of what they want! Forgive yourself, learn from the lessons, get as much information and support as you can. Every step, no matter how small is an investment towards the reclaiming of you; your power; your identity; your hopes and dreams; your beliefs and your destiny. Just remember that by dodging their senseless games, it makes you the winner! Rise above and withdraw and know that by doing so, you are refusing to be anybody's clown.

If you wish to explore a personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more!