How to overcome rejection

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Why rejection hurts

Rejection isn't an easy pill to swallow. Whether it was a hard blow, a subtle 'hint', fact or fiction, it still smacks of the same bitter flavour. The incident plagues us, swirling endlessly in our tired minds; exhausted from trying to work out the whys and wherefores. Rejection unravels even the best of us and often leaves a trail of broken dreams, relationships and people behind.

Rejection punctures the air out the ego; scrambles our brains; eats us from the inside; robs us of our self-esteem and sometimes bruises the heart. Many of us do our best to brush it off despite feeling knocked, deflated and emotionally scarred.

What causes rejection to sting so much?

What if I told you that rejection can only hurt you if you truly believed in it? The fact that you are so triggered by rejection means that you secretly possess feelings of self-rejection. Rejection can only injure if such an emotion existed within you. Rejection doesn't have to be personal unless you want it to be.

Rejection in relationships

Nothing hurts more than being rejected by our nearest and dearest; we trust them; we are invested in their thoughts and opinions; we bare our souls to these people. However being rejected by our loved ones can feel like an act of betrayal and cuts like a knife.

We often reject ideas or people on a subconscious level and sometimes it's just a matter of miscommunication. If you're in doubt, just ask for clarity. Be open to ideas for growth and expansion. Ensure that any constructive feedback is coming from a good place and with a good dosage of logic! Be discerning. It is one thing to be offered 'information' and another to being attacked. Be wary of the difference. In any case, you're an individual with your own mind; beliefs and values. Hence, it is your choice whether you decide to accept or act on the back of any form of rejection.

It's a huge tragedy that many of us are being rejected by our close circle in some underhand, malicious or often indescribable ways. And if you're one of those poor victims who are being vandalised of their life force and self-esteem, I ask why you are offering your wonderful soul to these people? Please see my video on emotional and mental abuse for more information.

Start observing your nearest and dearest carefully. Do they measure up in terms of integrity; honesty; humility and love? If not, perhaps you should ask why you are placing your trust in those who have such a warped view of you?

Those who constantly criticise and reject others often fear rejection themselves; and rather than running the risk of being rejected they finish up rejecting others first. Question the real motives of others; don't be a martyr by accepting other people's inability to deal with their own feelings of inferiority.

Rejection in work and groups

Being an outcast of a social or work group is an emotionally demoralising experience. And yet, we suck it up, maintain the composure of a good team player when clearly we are being ostracised and oppressed. It becomes a soul-destroying routine, whereby they conceal information from you; talk behind your back; make you the butt of their jokes and only wish to make your life as awkward as possible. You are conscious of the backstabbing but feel outnumbered, powerless and probably desperate to retain your job /social connections. However you need to be able to see the situation for what it really is - they are making you an outcast. Whatever their reasons, it probably has nothing to do with you but their own personal issues.

Wouldn't you rather be around people who appreciate your time and what you have to bring to the table? Relationships of any sort are about healthy exchanges. How we spend our time indicates what we value the most. So if you are spending time in a work or social environment which leaves you feeling uninspired, empty or joyless; ask why you are selling yourself short in the department of emotional wellbeing?

Allow for some time to do some self-reflection, restoration and finding inner peace. Look to join other groups who share the same interests and social graces. In a work situation, consider raising your concerns with your HR department or start looking for work elsewhere. Consider tending to the weeds in the way of your emotional wellbeing; surround yourself with good vibrations; protect yourself from negative influences; recharge your batteries; draw a line in the sand and start redesigning your life.

Positivity begets more positivity and can only be good for the mind, body, soul as well as the old bank account!

Rejection can be our teacher

Let's say you applied for a lucrative job, you aced the final interview, only to be dropped at the last minute! You're devastated; you banked your hopes on something which appeared to be a sure thing, only you now have to accept will never materialise.

However, such rejection can help us to ask key questions and to build character. You may need to ask yourself whether you were underqualified / overqualified for the position?

Were you truly ready for that level of responsibility?

Was it something you actually wanted to do?

Perhaps the job rejection had little do with your skills but your lack of self confidence? Do some honest self-analysis, what areas do you think you can improve on?

Consider the rejection as a divine opportunity for you to seek a more appropriate position, boost your self confidence or to improve your skills.

Rejection can caution us to stop, revise and replan if necessary!

Rejection is also a healthy right

Let's use an example on dating; you've finally plucked up the courage to speak to the object of your affection. You might even have had the chance to get to know them a little better and to even know that they're single. However when you finally ask them out, they strongly shut you down. The feelings of awkwardness, humiliation and rejection will probably haunt you, especially if you have to be in close proximity to that person, such as in a work setting.

Each of us has had to reject people and situations for all sorts of weird and wonderful reasons and again, it probably had more to do with our own personal issues than anything else. Living in such a fast-paced society with endless tasks and demands on our precious time means we cannot always say yes to every job opportunity; every social invitation and every potential suitor! It is healthy to be able to say 'No'.

Everybody has been gifted with free will. And, we should respect the free will of others as much as we treasure our own. What might intrigue or be considered as important by one person, probably couldn't be rated any less by another. So, rather than see rejection as a curse, see it as a healthy right and even a blessing in disguise. Just because that one person (out of 7 billion) cannot recognise your attractiveness and worth doesn't mean someone else won't. Respect the free will of others and remind yourself that you might also have to do a little rejecting at some point too!

Reframe rejection and find an outlet

Understand that the reasons for rejection are as varied and complex as we are as individuals. Therefore, there is little point trying to comprehend or accept all forms of rejection. Strive to only accept constructive feedback which will be of benefit to you and decide to discard the rest. Be selective and firm. Distance yourself from those who are overly negative and critical. Protect yourself from energy sappers. You have a right to even refuse rejection!

Understandably, the sting of rejection cannot be removed by logic alone. Even those who are masters of psychology also experience rejection and it's painful lingering emotions. Therefore, allow yourself to wallow and get angry for a bit! It's perfectly ok to feel down in the dumps every now and then. Let whatever needs to be expressed, be expressed. Permit yourself sufficient time to allow the processing of whatever emotions crop up. Look for healthy releases which leave you feeling less burdened and revitalised.

Some healthy outlets:

• Journalling

• Painting/arts and crafts

• Consulting a trusted friend /therapist / counsellor

• Singing

• Meditating

• Physical activities such as going for a run, yoga, punching a pillow..etc

• Cleaning / DIY

• Joining a support group

• Having a good cry

Find creative ways to express the whole palate of your emotions. Consult a professional or confide in a trusted friend. Surround yourself with positive influences and people. Give yourself plenty of time for rest, recovery, reflection and re-evaluation. Embrace your feelings, be kind to yourself and trust that you are worth more than the pain you are feeling right now.

Rejection is just an opinion; it does not have to define you.

If the above resonates with you and you'd like to explore a personal matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

7 top lessons on handling emotional and mental abuse

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The following are 7 top lessons I've learned from experience, which have proven to be particularly liberating in my battle with the bullies. 

As the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love. However, isn't it about time that we challenge this strange belief? Why does society accept this form of torture and most importantly what can you do to put an end to it?

Lesson number 1: Check in with your feelings for signs of abuse

There are endless examples which define mental and emotional abuse. However it always boils down to the same thing. And that is - how do they make you feel? Do they have a tendency to make you feel:

• Overly self conscious?
• Like you're walking on eggshells?
• Jealous?
• Rejected?
• Guilty?
• Embarrassed?
• Controlled?
• Stressed?
• Drained?
• Worthless?

Unfortunately, most skilled abusers like to play within the limits so your best bet is to go with your gut because the body never lies.

We've all encountered unsavoury people, at some point in our lives who've ridiculed us; criticised us; controlled us; betrayed us and just made us feel downright miserable. They may be highly intelligent people; respected people with status, who come up with the most convincing arguments and justifications for their 'tough love'.

In truth, they are nothing but cowards; morally unethical people who cannot control themselves and thus have no qualms projecting their own issues on you! And despite what your peers might say – such bullying behaviour is neither harmless, helpful or entertaining.

Trust your feelings and stop making allowances for their bullying ways.

Lesson number 2: You cannot reason with them or appeal to their softer side during an attack

You can try to plead, beg or call out the white elephant in the room. However, this wont go down well with your abuser and will probably backfire. Even attempting to have any sort of rational conversation with them at this point is like running through an assault course - minus the glory. You will never beat them at their own game so there's no point wasting your breath, or fighting fire with fire. They are merciless, relentless and vindictive.

Trying to speak up for yourself or even defend yourself will only cause them to become increasingly resentful and enraged; and only results in more pain and destruction.

Lesson number 3: Your attention = more encouragement for their bad behaviour

Stop rewarding them with any more of your time, energy or amazing qualities when they're behaving like blood thirsty sharks. Any flustered or heated reaction from you gets them going; then they berate you for 'overreacting' and simply wash their hands of their responsibility. It's an incredibly frustrating and humiliating experience. They are feeding off of your emotions; good or bad so stop trying to be an appeaser, feeding the crocodile and hoping he will eat you last! Set healthy boundaries and stop engaging with people who feed on such low vibration energies; even if they do happen to be your significant other!

Lesson number 4: Practice the art of retreating

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Whilst it's true that your abuser may have had a difficult childhood or was exposed to much disturbing social activity; it does not excuse them of their cruelty. By all means, feel free to give them your deepest sympathies but don't allow yourself to be their chew toy any longer. Free yourself from their clutches. Show yourself some self-love and self-respect by disengaging. You cannot save those who do not wish to be saved. If you must save one person, let it be you under these circumstances.

The next time you've become a prime target for their bullying; just simply withdraw and do your best to not react. Internalise your thoughts and feelings. It's the only safe option you have. Choose peace over the need to be right. You have the right to walk away from a bad situation with your dignity still intact. Allow them to cool down. And if they do come to their senses, explain how their behaviour makes you feel and that its not something you wish to entertain further. Be firm but be kind. Don't play with them at their own low-level games.

Lesson number 5: Judge them by their actions

Once you've mastered the art of retreating, observe their reaction! Are they willing to see your point and are they motivated to address their issues? If not, it may be time to consider detoxing these dangerous influences from your life. Otherwise, you'll just end up feeling utterly drained from constantly banging your head against a brick wall. They are perfectly aware of what they're doing – which is basically hurting you. Don't allow them to hide behind their excuses. If their choice to remain 'broken' overrules your happiness then let that be a red flag of how little they value and care about you!

Your request for better behaviour is not unreasonable! Take your business elsewhere and converse with like minded people - they are out there!

Lesson number 6: Educate yourself – knowledge is power!

Ask yourself why you've attracted such an abusive person in your life? Do you have a propensity to attract people who mistreat you in a certain way, over and over again? Did you grow up with an overbearing parent or guardian who always abused you in such ways that left you feeling worthless, defenceless and somehow responsible for their erratic behaviour?

Arm yourself with as much information as possible. Seek guidance from a professional if you can, to help navigate you through the process. Develop an understanding of what has caused you to tolerate such people or situations? Do you harbour feelings of low self-worth? Have you been duped into believing that drama in relationships equates to passion? Do you have a tendency to play rescuer; forever attempting to fix problems that aren't even yours?

As you develop a deeper understanding of the core issues, you will start to view things differently. The control your abuser once had will diminish and you will be able to break the cycle once and for all.

Lesson number 7: Don't blame yourself for their abusive behaviour

That's exactly what they want you to believe - because they are incapable of dealing with any sort of blaming themselves. Abusers are simply venomous; they stir up drama, intimidate and twist facts to fit their crazy arguments. And they derive unhealthy pleasure from making victims feel weak, uncomfortable and confused. They are sad people who damage others for their own entertainment. And they know exactly what they are doing – which is basically hurting you.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, frustration, unjust and tears bottled up inside. It's not your fault that they're acting unreasonable. They chose to abuse - not you. Don't beat yourself because there is nothing that you can do to make them stop. They've created a game in which you will have no chance of winning. So why bother playing a game which always results in you being the loser?

Recap

If you find yourself becoming a victim of their abusive traps again, try not to revert to your usual responses. And if you do relapse, forgive yourself and make a conscious effort to do things differently next time. It will take some practice but it will become second nature. Don't focus your energies on trying to correct their behaviour. Instead, start focusing on what you can do to turn the tables in your favour.

Show them your worth and value by disconnecting. Give them the opposite of what they want! Forgive yourself, learn from the lessons, get as much information and support as you can. Every step, no matter how small is an investment towards the reclaiming of you; your power; your identity; your hopes and dreams; your beliefs and your destiny. Just remember that by dodging their senseless games, it makes you the winner! Rise above and withdraw and know that by doing so, you are refusing to be anybody's clown.

If you wish to explore a personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

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The importance of truth in relationships

Honesty is the best policy. And yet many of us shy away from the truth. If truth is so highly valued, why do we still lie?

Frankly, most of us even lie about wanting the truth. If your partner was cheating on you all this time, would you be able to handle it? What would you do? What if they revealed their real motivations for cheating? What if it was because they found you boring in bed; not attractive enough; not rich enough; not smart enough; not skinny enough, etc? What if they confessed that they were just using you until they found something better? How would that make you feel? 

Chances are you would feel an overwhelming sense of hurt, injustice, disappointment and humiliation. To know that this person you loved was toying with your feelings. Had no intention of really being with you. They just used you for their own selfish gain. To satisfy their ego. To fill in the void. To kill some time. For their own entertainment. All those heartfelt moments you shared were actually an illusion. Whilst you may have cared for them deeply, you were nothing but a source of amusement to them. This truth would break your heart. Your world would come crashing down. The sobering realisation that the relationship never existed but was just a playground of lies and deception. A cunning trap to take advantage of your good will and good heart. 

Lies cause destruction to relationships and to one's integrity. Those who lie are naturally overly suspicious of others. After all if they make a habit of doing it all the time then it's easy to assume that others may be playing the same game too? Pathological liars cannot trust anyone, especially themselves. This can only create a restless, complicated and unstable existence for one. The whole point of getting into relationships is because we trust and want to open up to another. Being open means being honest which equates to more intimacy. Therefore lies only serve to create emotional distance and destroy any hope of a real connection. If you are constantly lying to your partner then consider the fact that you are choosing to be selfish and not loving them. You are protecting your own ego and abusing their free will by restricting them access to potentially unsavoury information. Important information that may otherwise cause them to act and behave differently. The more you lie, the less people really know you. Remaining in a relationship where you don't want to know or be known is simply illogical. If you truly loved this person then you wouldn't want them to accept nor suffer for your lies. The truth sets you free as they say.

If we had love for others we would want be truthful and not purposefully engage in relations that we know have no real mileage. We would be upfront about our emotional state. Perhaps we would even learn to love ourselves and seek counselling to break the cycle of hurting and using others. Truth never hurts - only the exposure of a lie. 

I would like to see couples come clean about their lies, even the ones that appear ancient or insignificant. Granted there is a risk that the relationship may disintegrate. However the relationship was never real in the first place. Then again, it may not spell the end in which case there's hope that the relationship could blossom into something more authentic, deeper and fulfilling.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

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Do you have a fear of intimacy?

Nothing compares to falling in love. They make your heart skip a beat. They bring meaning, inspiration and sunshine into your life. You cannot imagine a life without them.

Yet at the same time our instincts urge us to to flee. Whether we act on this feeling or not, we are subconsciously pushing our partners away when perhaps its the last thing we truly want to do.

Why is falling in love so confusing and hard for some?

Two steps forward one step back...

Many of us enter into a relationship with much trepidation. Especially those with a string of failed and painful relationships behind them. We long to be in a happy relationship, to be intimate with someone, to be deeply connected and yet we subconsciously or deliberately sabotage it time after time.  

What are the classic signs of a fear of intimacy?

Avoidance

The person may choose to limit interaction with others. They may be unwilling to reveal too much information about themselves to avoid being judged or potentially rejected. They can also be overly interested in other people in a way to bypass any attention on themselves. People who are overly busy may use their lifestyle as an excuse to being single.

Impossible standards

The person may have impossibly high standards / expectations of themselves or others. They may be overly critical and use excuses for not being in a relationship or loving their partner.

Unrequited love

People who fear intimacy may develop strong feelings for those who are emotionally unavailable or unattainable. This is due to the low demand of personal investment from themselves, thereby avoiding rejection. They would prefer to love from afar than be in situation where they'll feel scrutinized / vulnerable and most likely be rejected.

Short term / Long distance relationships

Those who fear intimacy may favour short term or casual relationships. They feel safer when there is a certain amount of distance from their flame. However it only takes a matter of time before the victim dumps their love interest in search of another. Again, these people do not want to invest too much time with any one person because such investment requires more from them than they are prepared to offer. Revealing more about themselves makes them feel out of control.

Hot and cold

If the sufferer is able to be in a committed relationship this may be wrought with immense spells of them running hot and cold. This often causes a lot of confusion and frustration for the poor partner. It is also very hard for the sufferer too. Too much intimacy can cause sudden alarm bells to ring in their head and before you know it they are giving you the cold shoulder, withholding affection, being mean and distant or avoiding you completely. It's almost as though they are possessed during such phases and the more you try to love or chase them the faster and farther they flee from you. They are conscious of what they're doing yet cannot seem to control it. However they are often tormented themselves and feel ashamed of the pain they are causing to others. The hot and cold act is a means for them to monitor and control the flow of intimacy. 

Where does it all stem from?

Quite simply, past trauma. At some point in their lives (most likely way in the past such as childhood) they had their fingers burnt. They may not even recall the actual event(s) but the emotional impact was so significant that the sufferer is wired to associate intimacy with pain. They may have felt a deep sense of abandoned, rejection, being ignored, criticised or unloved when they were emotionally vulnerable. 

Fearing intimacy also represents a feeling of being unworthy of love. Therefore whenever a person provides love to them when they least expect it, they will mistrust it and will probably reject you. Such victims were taught to work hard for love and will reject it whenever they feel they are undeserving.

What can be done?

Firstly, there needs to be an awareness of the problem. The sufferer needs to consciously become aware of when they are acting defensively and what triggers them. They say that time heals all wounds however merely burying your head in the sand indefinitely, is not going to magic your problems away. Time makes us forget certain things but it isn't a complete cure all. It's what you do with the time that counts. 

If it's you who fears intimacy and you wish to be in a relationship, I would encourage taking some time out to deal with the problem. The decision to remain in your relationship, have a temporary break, etc is yours. However, it's best to be honest with your partner about your feelings and circumstances. Try not to leave them in the dark. Be considerate and kind. Exploring your past emotional wounds will be key into letting go and overriding any anti -intimacy knee jerk reactions. It would be beneficial to understand where your triggers stem from; certain behaviours of your guardians as well as their coping mechanisms. All together these can bring tremendous clarity and self awareness. You'll be able to pin point where it all came from, why it causes you to act a particular way and therefore be able to consciously choose to do things differently. You will be free from your past.

It will take time and some heavy lifting on your part to overcome this emotional restriction. Yet with determination, the right tools and patience you can achieve more emotional freedom and empowerment that you'd ever imagined.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

 

Trust issues in relationships

We've all been there at some point in our lives. They say trust takes time to build but mere moments to destroy. I was broken hearted when I found clear evidence of a lover's betrayal - on our second year anniversary. I felt dazed, angry and sick to my stomach. It was as though he stabbed me right in the heart.

How could he do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?

I kept on asking, begging and pleading for answers but I received none. I blamed him. And when I couldn't bear being disappointment or angry anymore, I ended up blaming myself. Fast forward some years later and BAM, there I was again being cheated on. Little did I understand how much power my thoughts and feelings were carrying. I had attracted these horrifying moments in my life! It was a hard pill to swallow, especially as an enthusiast of "positive thinking". Why did bad things keep happening to me?

How? I was in denial. Positive thinking is just that, positive THINKING. It is not the same as positive feeling. The mind may be fooled but the body seldom lies. Deep inside I held a belief of unworthiness. Deep inside I felt unlovable. Deep inside I trusted no one. How on earth did I acquire such awful beliefs? I look back on my childhood and suddenly it all made sense. These beliefs I carried were from emotional injuries long ago. 

As infants we were born to love unconditionally. However in this world we've all endured some degree of emotional trauma. We learned that love was conditional, based on us behaving in a certain way. And when we didn't conform, we were punished. We have been incorrectly programed to believe that love needs to be earned, deserved.

I trusted my parents, my guardians with my heart and they disappointed me. Such emotional scars run deep and naturally, every time we open our heart to someone, these feelings and fears will be triggered. I do not blame my parents for what they did, for they too are products of emotional injuries. I learned that it is important to take ownership of our feelings - not to apportion the blame. We cannot blame others for hurting us and neither should we blame ourselves. The law of attraction is merely presenting a mirror of what's really within you. It is not there to punish you but to serve as a reminder of some feelings and beliefs trapped inside you. 

With sincere emotional clearing you will find that your law of attraction will change and quickly. You will no longer be a magnet for partners or events that make you mistrust. Your existing partner may even change his/her ways miraculously overnight just by you doing this clearing alone!

So have faith, you are not cursed or doomed to be in unloving relationships. Honour your feelings. Experience them and then release them.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Wishing you love and happiness,

Sophie x

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The harsh reality of Soulmate connections

I blame Disney for filling my head with unrealistic hopes. I expected my soulmate to sweep me off my feet. I expected a knight in shinning armour, to fall in love at first sight and to live happily ever after. My first encounter with my soulmate was one of the most disturbing experiences in my long history of dating. He was mean, aggressive and exceptionally arrogant. A huge pity considering how handsome and well dressed he was. After 2 hours of mutual interrogation over 1 1/2 cocktails we were itching to part ways. Before I could make a run for the nearest exit, he pulled me in for a long and hard kiss. I was bubbling with fury inside. And yet I was so inexplicably drawn to this gorgeous and sweet smelling creature. And so we kissed. Time ceased to exist. Surrounding noise drowned out by the blood now swirling in my head. I broke free for air, muttered "see you later" and ran for my tube. Confused by the whole experience I swore to myself that I would never see that man again.

The next day I received an invitation to join him and some friends for dinner. I accepted with the twisted view that this was potentially a golden opportunity. I had the expectation that he would have handsome (and more charming) friends. It was a rather devious move on my part. However I was decidedly annoyed by his unsavoury comments towards me from the previous evening. Ergo my reluctance to have another round of tonsil tennis. As fate would have it, his friends bailed on him and it was to be another one on one date. Being far too polite to follow suit, I went ahead whilst promising myself that that would be the last time I'd have to deal with him.

That evening I saw a more mellow and easy going man. More conversational and less confrontational, it was easier to actually like him. Inevitably we found ourselves kissing again and I kidded myself on that it was to be the very last kiss.

So far we're just a few days shy of our one year anniversary. It took us months to recognise that we were indeed soulmates and yet we still resist this connection to a degree. I was always skeptical of so called "soulmate" connections until I met him. He was nowhere near as spiritual and yet he was telepathic. We shared childhood experiences and traumas, similar health struggles, immediate sexual compatibility and near identical hang ups. We were synchronised. We deeply understood each other. Both were free spirits but capable of spending 24 hours, 7 days a week in each other's company. I can feel his emotions, almost hear his every thoughts, inner struggles and doubts. We've both rejected each other many times over and yet cannot bear to end the relationship with equal intensity. So many conflicting emotions. Wanting to run away from him only realising that I am merely trying to run away from myself.

Soulmates are the other half of your soul. In other words, they are a part of you, a mirror image of yourself. Blissful love cannot flow through each of you until you have both resolved your own issues. And so the work on myself continues.

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