Why we remain stuck in toxic relationships

There is something almost mystical about toxic relationships. They demand endless attention, effort, energy, and money. Yet we are seemingly enslaved by them. It seems like the biggest scam in history - that the more loving we pour into it, the less we get in return.

We cry out in pain, reach out to our friends and loved ones for comfort only to crawl back to our supposedly evil partners. Soap operas become a reenactment of our tragic lives, thereby normalizing the pain. But why do we cling onto toxic relationships even when we know they don't serve us?

Before I continue, I feel the need to strongly recommend for who are in particularly violent relationships to seek support and consider leaving their partner asap.

In the meantime, I shall explore a few reasons on why YOU are emotionally stuck.

Fear

Nobody likes to admit that we have certain fears around our relationships. We put on a brave face to the world when inside we are trembling. We keep our partner at arms length because we fear them, the relationship and even ourselves! The reality is that such feelings are so common. The problem isn't so much to do with our feelings but society's judgment towards them. This causes us to reject the idea of owning terrible feelings such as vulnerability, paranoia, and insecurity. We don't want to be outcasts of society so we allow ourselves to be manipulated by its rules.

It's disturbing that negative emotions often get such a bad rap. They are just feelings after all and do not have to define you in any way. As the saying goes “nothing to fear but fear itself”. Fear is considered too frightening that the mere thought of it sends shivers down our spine. However every time you run away from fear, you are allowing fear to run you! People who repress their negative emotions ironically give them more power than they should.

So it's actually healthy to acknowledge these unpleasant truths because this will be key in solving the problem! After all, it would be foolish to fix something without identifying the issue first. You don't have to go shouting from the rooftops about your self-discovery - just being honest with yourself is already a massive step towards empowerment.

A wise person once said, "don't run away from problems, run them over instead".

So what are your fears? The following is a list I'd started whilst discussing with a friend (bear in mind this isn't fully exhaustive):

• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of change
• Fear of stepping out in our own
• Fear of making the wrong decision
• Fear of hurting our partner
• Fear of being judged by others
• Fear that the grass may not be greener on the other side
• Fear of loneliness
• Fear of rejection from future prospects
• Fear of being punished /rejected if we do leave but decide to return
• Fear of admitting defeat.
• Fear of the actual pain associated with a breakup
• Fear of our partner's reaction if we do break it off
• Fear of retribution
• Fear of losing support or security

Reflect, feel and release any painful emotions that crop up. It will seem hard at first but it will get easier with practice. Don't force or rush the process - even a mere 10 mins a day is a good start.

Familiarity

An established relationship can feel like an old pair of shoes; well past their glory days but we're so accustomed to them. Bonds take time to break into our hearts which is often why it becomes difficult to part with them. We've grown close to them and they've accepted our strange quirks. They say that familiarity breeds contempt although I'm inclined to disagree - it is the storage of resentment which causes a sense of loathing. Familiarity at its best can invite a certain predictability which can be comforting but it's a poor justification for staying with someone.

Nostalgia and our addiction to chemical romance

Many of us are unable to move past a certain idea of them. It is unsurprising that many of us present the best of ourselves during the courtship dance. In most cases, such appearances cannot be sustained and it's only a matter of time before the cracks begin to show. We rationalise that it's just a passing phase; that the thrills and passion can be restored. We idolise the former days, pine for their return and become disillusioned with the true state of our relationship. We become so consumed by it all that we barely recognise ourselves or the person we're with.

Letting go of these unfulfilled hopes and dreams can feel devastating however it's the only way to move forward, with or without your significant other. 

It's important for us to accept the reality of how the relationship has changed in order to progress and operate from a place of strength.

Examine whether you are in love with them or the feelings they once gave you? If it's the latter then it's a possibility that you are seeking an addiction and not love.

Be honest with yourself, what does love mean to you?

Investment

Any time spent with, or thinking about them is an investment. It was time which could have been spent on various other things and other people. Instead, we allowed them to dominate our thoughts, priorities, time and energy because we believed they were worth it. Patience is a virtue. Yet, if you haven't noticed any improvement in your relationship after a reasonable period of time, then either your approach needs to change or you need to change partner.

Anger, control and power

You know the saying, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer? As much we love our partners, we may also resent them and sometimes the feeling is very much mutual. They probably know our hopes, dreams wishes and embarrassing secrets. They might even know where our sore spots are. As sad as it sounds, many choose to continue a relationship to control or be controlled. If either (or both) rings true to you, you may need to seek counselling to overcome this nasty habit.

Commitment, guilt and denial

Seasons change, people change, circumstances change and of course, hearts and minds change too. A commitment doesn't have to be a life sentence. Being a person of your word is admirable, but it doesn't have to be done at the expense of your happiness and sanity.

It's bad enough to lie to your other half but even worse to have to lie to yourself if your commitment to the cause is wavering. By no means am I suggesting that you axe your partner now or run off with that cutie from the office. Rather, try to reflect on how you genuinely feel. Ask yourself why you don't feel fulfilled in the relationship? Ask yourself if you're truly open to loving and being loved by your partner?

Perhaps we were in the wrong and broke their heart? Maybe it's the guilt which keeps us entrapped. If so, forgive yourself and promise not to repeat the same mistakes with your partner or anybody else for that matter. Just because we get a parking ticket doesn't mean we have to keep on paying the penalty, tenfold. Stop beating yourself up. Allow yourself to experience the full extent of your guilt and shame. Drain it from your system and make choices based on how you feel without the guilt. Forgive yourself even if no one else will. Don't feel obligated to be with someone out of pity or duty.

Sometimes just thinking about how awful we feel makes us want to shut down. We might even try to minimise the pain, deny that the problems are even 'real' problems. We justify their bad behaviour and our own. We question whether we're being too picky or imagining it all. Denial just causes more suffering for all and there's so much more to life than that! Perhaps you are just as toxic as your partner (perhaps even more?). Although such realisations will require a high level of self-awareness which basically means the opposite of denial! Continuing to live in denial is choosing to be in a coma. The choice is yours...

Convenience

Sadly, this is a common reason why couples stick together longer than they probably should. They don't want the hassle, disruption, inconvenience or pain of a breakup. They'd rather go through the motions and remain stagnant unless there's a major deal breaker or something better comes along. A relationship built on convenience is actually abusive because we are using and being used by others. In other words, we are settling for second best and allowing mediocrity to rule.

Are there ever good reasons for being in a toxic relationship?

Firstly, if you have to label your relationship as 'toxic' then need I explain more? All joking aside, healthy unions are based on love, trust, respect and growth! If you don't have an ounce of any of these then it truly is a draining relationship.

Summary

Now you get the idea of why we might choose to live in a state of ignorance! Perhaps the issues are actually nothing to do with our partner. Whatever the case, better to put on your thinking cap and get started. If you aren't prepared to try to acknowledge or address the issues, how could anything possibly get any better?

Such issues may be vast and complex. Sometimes when we attempt to break down one issue, it splinters off into another pesky problem. It might seem like awfully hard work but it's a worthwhile investment – on you. See yourself as the biggest and most rewarding project you'll ever take on. You are bigger than the relationship with your partner.

Your life might seem like a car crash right now but it doesn't have to stay that way. Life is full of choices and even deciding to bury your head in the sand is a considered a choice.

We cannot expect our circumstances to change without engaging some sort of change within ourselves. Face yourself, your fears, your toxic habits and your demons. Write down what it is that you want from life and relationships in general. Set yourself achievable goals. Take control of life. Embrace the challenges. Learn from its lessons and don't be afraid to seek support.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Ignorance isn't bliss, just a conscious decision to stay blind.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

Stay tuned for Part 2 – how to transform the relationship / break it off

7 top lessons on handling emotional and mental abuse

***This post is also available as an audio file on Youtube ***

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The following are 7 top lessons I've learned from experience, which have proven to be particularly liberating in my battle with the bullies. 

As the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love. However, isn't it about time that we challenge this strange belief? Why does society accept this form of torture and most importantly what can you do to put an end to it?

Lesson number 1: Check in with your feelings for signs of abuse

There are endless examples which define mental and emotional abuse. However it always boils down to the same thing. And that is - how do they make you feel? Do they have a tendency to make you feel:

• Overly self conscious?
• Like you're walking on eggshells?
• Jealous?
• Rejected?
• Guilty?
• Embarrassed?
• Controlled?
• Stressed?
• Drained?
• Worthless?

Unfortunately, most skilled abusers like to play within the limits so your best bet is to go with your gut because the body never lies.

We've all encountered unsavoury people, at some point in our lives who've ridiculed us; criticised us; controlled us; betrayed us and just made us feel downright miserable. They may be highly intelligent people; respected people with status, who come up with the most convincing arguments and justifications for their 'tough love'.

In truth, they are nothing but cowards; morally unethical people who cannot control themselves and thus have no qualms projecting their own issues on you! And despite what your peers might say – such bullying behaviour is neither harmless, helpful or entertaining.

Trust your feelings and stop making allowances for their bullying ways.

Lesson number 2: You cannot reason with them or appeal to their softer side during an attack

You can try to plead, beg or call out the white elephant in the room. However, this wont go down well with your abuser and will probably backfire. Even attempting to have any sort of rational conversation with them at this point is like running through an assault course - minus the glory. You will never beat them at their own game so there's no point wasting your breath, or fighting fire with fire. They are merciless, relentless and vindictive.

Trying to speak up for yourself or even defend yourself will only cause them to become increasingly resentful and enraged; and only results in more pain and destruction.

Lesson number 3: Your attention = more encouragement for their bad behaviour

Stop rewarding them with any more of your time, energy or amazing qualities when they're behaving like blood thirsty sharks. Any flustered or heated reaction from you gets them going; then they berate you for 'overreacting' and simply wash their hands of their responsibility. It's an incredibly frustrating and humiliating experience. They are feeding off of your emotions; good or bad so stop trying to be an appeaser, feeding the crocodile and hoping he will eat you last! Set healthy boundaries and stop engaging with people who feed on such low vibration energies; even if they do happen to be your significant other!

Lesson number 4: Practice the art of retreating

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting”. - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Whilst it's true that your abuser may have had a difficult childhood or was exposed to much disturbing social activity; it does not excuse them of their cruelty. By all means, feel free to give them your deepest sympathies but don't allow yourself to be their chew toy any longer. Free yourself from their clutches. Show yourself some self-love and self-respect by disengaging. You cannot save those who do not wish to be saved. If you must save one person, let it be you under these circumstances.

The next time you've become a prime target for their bullying; just simply withdraw and do your best to not react. Internalise your thoughts and feelings. It's the only safe option you have. Choose peace over the need to be right. You have the right to walk away from a bad situation with your dignity still intact. Allow them to cool down. And if they do come to their senses, explain how their behaviour makes you feel and that its not something you wish to entertain further. Be firm but be kind. Don't play with them at their own low-level games.

Lesson number 5: Judge them by their actions

Once you've mastered the art of retreating, observe their reaction! Are they willing to see your point and are they motivated to address their issues? If not, it may be time to consider detoxing these dangerous influences from your life. Otherwise, you'll just end up feeling utterly drained from constantly banging your head against a brick wall. They are perfectly aware of what they're doing – which is basically hurting you. Don't allow them to hide behind their excuses. If their choice to remain 'broken' overrules your happiness then let that be a red flag of how little they value and care about you!

Your request for better behaviour is not unreasonable! Take your business elsewhere and converse with like minded people - they are out there!

Lesson number 6: Educate yourself – knowledge is power!

Ask yourself why you've attracted such an abusive person in your life? Do you have a propensity to attract people who mistreat you in a certain way, over and over again? Did you grow up with an overbearing parent or guardian who always abused you in such ways that left you feeling worthless, defenceless and somehow responsible for their erratic behaviour?

Arm yourself with as much information as possible. Seek guidance from a professional if you can, to help navigate you through the process. Develop an understanding of what has caused you to tolerate such people or situations? Do you harbour feelings of low self-worth? Have you been duped into believing that drama in relationships equates to passion? Do you have a tendency to play rescuer; forever attempting to fix problems that aren't even yours?

As you develop a deeper understanding of the core issues, you will start to view things differently. The control your abuser once had will diminish and you will be able to break the cycle once and for all.

Lesson number 7: Don't blame yourself for their abusive behaviour

That's exactly what they want you to believe - because they are incapable of dealing with any sort of blaming themselves. Abusers are simply venomous; they stir up drama, intimidate and twist facts to fit their crazy arguments. And they derive unhealthy pleasure from making victims feel weak, uncomfortable and confused. They are sad people who damage others for their own entertainment. And they know exactly what they are doing – which is basically hurting you.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, frustration, unjust and tears bottled up inside. It's not your fault that they're acting unreasonable. They chose to abuse - not you. Don't beat yourself because there is nothing that you can do to make them stop. They've created a game in which you will have no chance of winning. So why bother playing a game which always results in you being the loser?

Recap

If you find yourself becoming a victim of their abusive traps again, try not to revert to your usual responses. And if you do relapse, forgive yourself and make a conscious effort to do things differently next time. It will take some practice but it will become second nature. Don't focus your energies on trying to correct their behaviour. Instead, start focusing on what you can do to turn the tables in your favour.

Show them your worth and value by disconnecting. Give them the opposite of what they want! Forgive yourself, learn from the lessons, get as much information and support as you can. Every step, no matter how small is an investment towards the reclaiming of you; your power; your identity; your hopes and dreams; your beliefs and your destiny. Just remember that by dodging their senseless games, it makes you the winner! Rise above and withdraw and know that by doing so, you are refusing to be anybody's clown.

If you wish to explore a personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more!