Why we remain stuck in toxic relationships

There is something almost mystical about toxic relationships. They demand endless attention, effort, energy, and money. Yet we are seemingly enslaved by them. It seems like the biggest scam in history - that the more loving we pour into it, the less we get in return.

We cry out in pain, reach out to our friends and loved ones for comfort only to crawl back to our supposedly evil partners. Soap operas become a reenactment of our tragic lives, thereby normalizing the pain. But why do we cling onto toxic relationships even when we know they don't serve us?

Before I continue, I feel the need to strongly recommend for who are in particularly violent relationships to seek support and consider leaving their partner asap.

In the meantime, I shall explore a few reasons on why YOU are emotionally stuck.

Fear

Nobody likes to admit that we have certain fears around our relationships. We put on a brave face to the world when inside we are trembling. We keep our partner at arms length because we fear them, the relationship and even ourselves! The reality is that such feelings are so common. The problem isn't so much to do with our feelings but society's judgment towards them. This causes us to reject the idea of owning terrible feelings such as vulnerability, paranoia, and insecurity. We don't want to be outcasts of society so we allow ourselves to be manipulated by its rules.

It's disturbing that negative emotions often get such a bad rap. They are just feelings after all and do not have to define you in any way. As the saying goes “nothing to fear but fear itself”. Fear is considered too frightening that the mere thought of it sends shivers down our spine. However every time you run away from fear, you are allowing fear to run you! People who repress their negative emotions ironically give them more power than they should.

So it's actually healthy to acknowledge these unpleasant truths because this will be key in solving the problem! After all, it would be foolish to fix something without identifying the issue first. You don't have to go shouting from the rooftops about your self-discovery - just being honest with yourself is already a massive step towards empowerment.

A wise person once said, "don't run away from problems, run them over instead".

So what are your fears? The following is a list I'd started whilst discussing with a friend (bear in mind this isn't fully exhaustive):

• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of change
• Fear of stepping out in our own
• Fear of making the wrong decision
• Fear of hurting our partner
• Fear of being judged by others
• Fear that the grass may not be greener on the other side
• Fear of loneliness
• Fear of rejection from future prospects
• Fear of being punished /rejected if we do leave but decide to return
• Fear of admitting defeat.
• Fear of the actual pain associated with a breakup
• Fear of our partner's reaction if we do break it off
• Fear of retribution
• Fear of losing support or security

Reflect, feel and release any painful emotions that crop up. It will seem hard at first but it will get easier with practice. Don't force or rush the process - even a mere 10 mins a day is a good start.

Familiarity

An established relationship can feel like an old pair of shoes; well past their glory days but we're so accustomed to them. Bonds take time to break into our hearts which is often why it becomes difficult to part with them. We've grown close to them and they've accepted our strange quirks. They say that familiarity breeds contempt although I'm inclined to disagree - it is the storage of resentment which causes a sense of loathing. Familiarity at its best can invite a certain predictability which can be comforting but it's a poor justification for staying with someone.

Nostalgia and our addiction to chemical romance

Many of us are unable to move past a certain idea of them. It is unsurprising that many of us present the best of ourselves during the courtship dance. In most cases, such appearances cannot be sustained and it's only a matter of time before the cracks begin to show. We rationalise that it's just a passing phase; that the thrills and passion can be restored. We idolise the former days, pine for their return and become disillusioned with the true state of our relationship. We become so consumed by it all that we barely recognise ourselves or the person we're with.

Letting go of these unfulfilled hopes and dreams can feel devastating however it's the only way to move forward, with or without your significant other. 

It's important for us to accept the reality of how the relationship has changed in order to progress and operate from a place of strength.

Examine whether you are in love with them or the feelings they once gave you? If it's the latter then it's a possibility that you are seeking an addiction and not love.

Be honest with yourself, what does love mean to you?

Investment

Any time spent with, or thinking about them is an investment. It was time which could have been spent on various other things and other people. Instead, we allowed them to dominate our thoughts, priorities, time and energy because we believed they were worth it. Patience is a virtue. Yet, if you haven't noticed any improvement in your relationship after a reasonable period of time, then either your approach needs to change or you need to change partner.

Anger, control and power

You know the saying, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer? As much we love our partners, we may also resent them and sometimes the feeling is very much mutual. They probably know our hopes, dreams wishes and embarrassing secrets. They might even know where our sore spots are. As sad as it sounds, many choose to continue a relationship to control or be controlled. If either (or both) rings true to you, you may need to seek counselling to overcome this nasty habit.

Commitment, guilt and denial

Seasons change, people change, circumstances change and of course, hearts and minds change too. A commitment doesn't have to be a life sentence. Being a person of your word is admirable, but it doesn't have to be done at the expense of your happiness and sanity.

It's bad enough to lie to your other half but even worse to have to lie to yourself if your commitment to the cause is wavering. By no means am I suggesting that you axe your partner now or run off with that cutie from the office. Rather, try to reflect on how you genuinely feel. Ask yourself why you don't feel fulfilled in the relationship? Ask yourself if you're truly open to loving and being loved by your partner?

Perhaps we were in the wrong and broke their heart? Maybe it's the guilt which keeps us entrapped. If so, forgive yourself and promise not to repeat the same mistakes with your partner or anybody else for that matter. Just because we get a parking ticket doesn't mean we have to keep on paying the penalty, tenfold. Stop beating yourself up. Allow yourself to experience the full extent of your guilt and shame. Drain it from your system and make choices based on how you feel without the guilt. Forgive yourself even if no one else will. Don't feel obligated to be with someone out of pity or duty.

Sometimes just thinking about how awful we feel makes us want to shut down. We might even try to minimise the pain, deny that the problems are even 'real' problems. We justify their bad behaviour and our own. We question whether we're being too picky or imagining it all. Denial just causes more suffering for all and there's so much more to life than that! Perhaps you are just as toxic as your partner (perhaps even more?). Although such realisations will require a high level of self-awareness which basically means the opposite of denial! Continuing to live in denial is choosing to be in a coma. The choice is yours...

Convenience

Sadly, this is a common reason why couples stick together longer than they probably should. They don't want the hassle, disruption, inconvenience or pain of a breakup. They'd rather go through the motions and remain stagnant unless there's a major deal breaker or something better comes along. A relationship built on convenience is actually abusive because we are using and being used by others. In other words, we are settling for second best and allowing mediocrity to rule.

Are there ever good reasons for being in a toxic relationship?

Firstly, if you have to label your relationship as 'toxic' then need I explain more? All joking aside, healthy unions are based on love, trust, respect and growth! If you don't have an ounce of any of these then it truly is a draining relationship.

Summary

Now you get the idea of why we might choose to live in a state of ignorance! Perhaps the issues are actually nothing to do with our partner. Whatever the case, better to put on your thinking cap and get started. If you aren't prepared to try to acknowledge or address the issues, how could anything possibly get any better?

Such issues may be vast and complex. Sometimes when we attempt to break down one issue, it splinters off into another pesky problem. It might seem like awfully hard work but it's a worthwhile investment – on you. See yourself as the biggest and most rewarding project you'll ever take on. You are bigger than the relationship with your partner.

Your life might seem like a car crash right now but it doesn't have to stay that way. Life is full of choices and even deciding to bury your head in the sand is a considered a choice.

We cannot expect our circumstances to change without engaging some sort of change within ourselves. Face yourself, your fears, your toxic habits and your demons. Write down what it is that you want from life and relationships in general. Set yourself achievable goals. Take control of life. Embrace the challenges. Learn from its lessons and don't be afraid to seek support.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Ignorance isn't bliss, just a conscious decision to stay blind.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

Stay tuned for Part 2 – how to transform the relationship / break it off

How can I get my ex back?

It's frequently asked "How can I get my ex back?" and while there aren't any hard and fast rules, here's some general things to consider:

Self analysis

Before we start following them everywhere like a lost puppy, we need to get a grip and ask ourselves why the relationship fell apart in the first place. We cannot justify what our partner had done but we can certainly speak for ourselves. Ask yourself what part did you have to play in the whole dynamic? Were you too self sacrificing or too selfish? Too critical? Too paranoid? Too needy? The list goes on and on. If you are serious about rekindling with an ex it pays to be self aware. Why? Because your ex wants to know that you are aware of your own issues plus you're committed to change. Put yourself in their shoes, would you take back an abusive ex if they were in full denial of the crime and reluctant to change their ways? This is not about self blame but being able to see yourself clearly. Ask why your ex wouldn't want to have you back again? What would you have done differently? If you have pangs of regrets then you know its a case of unfinished business. Better to invest some time to investigate where you went wrong before you start trying to put a ring on it.

So what could be your problem?

Expectations

Sometimes our partners want to give up simply because they don't feel appreciated or valued.

Did we have overly high expectations of our partner? If so then I'm afraid that you are in the wrong! I realise I may upset quite a few folk in saying that but bear with me! Whenever we have expectations of another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Respect the fact that the other person is an individual in their own right. They have their own beliefs, desires, hang ups and above all, free will. That isn't to say that I am condoning abusive behaviour. Instead, I'm referring to unreasonable expectations such as wanting a man to propose within 12 months of dating (I plead guilty). Love of the highest degree should be unconditional. In other words, we love them in spite of them failing to meet our needs or wishes. Forgive your partner for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Remember their unique qualities that drew you in. And don't forget to tell them that they are appreciated. By all means, make suggestions for improvement but don't take them for granted.

What if our partners were simply unloving, unethical and unfair you ask? Well, perhaps ask yourself whether you want to stay with a partner who treats you this way? Then again it may be worthwhile explaining the fact that you don't feel loved by them. Be truthful in your delivery and ensure that there isn't any blame attached. Something along the lines of "I love that you are so supportive. However I've been doing all the housework and it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I would really appreciate it if you could help out more." I believe that men and women have equal responsibility of the household/children. A person who expects their partner to wash up after them all the time is being selfish. We cannot expect such a person to change however we can explain that we cannot continue keeping up such practices indefinitely and that something needs to change.

Trust

Were you overly suspicious of your ex? Or were they mistrusting of you? Did you have any reason to be suspicious or untrustworthy? So long as you have the best intentions, you shouldn't have anything to fear. If the trust has been broken between the two of you consider what YOU can offer to rebuild trust? For example, if your ex partner cheated on you and is remorseful, you may try offering to forgive and forget; and work through your anger and grief via counselling etc.

If you truly want to make things work with your ex then you will need to be serious about becoming a more loving and improved version of yourself. Look after yourself better, take ownership of your feelings and aim to walk the walk.

Mind games

There are several articles that tell us to act hard to get and I have to say that these simply do not work – in the long run. You may be able to cajole or manipulate somebody into doing a certain thing however this just causes unnecessary psychological damage. And eventually everybody gets bored of the boy who cried wolf. We do not need to resort to silly childish games in order to raise the standards within the relationship. We can simply be more loving and truthful. In a world of opposites, I've had my fair share of men pretend to hate me when they actually wanted me and the memories make me sick to the stomach. I would've given them far more love and respect had they been evolved enough to come out with the truth. If you really wanted a promotion at work would you openly declare to the interviewer that you couldn't care less whether you got the job or not? Most likely not. So why would we resort to such silly games when it comes to our relationships? Understandably no one wants to feel vulnerable. Although, if you're not prepared to be emotionally open then I doubt that you truly want to be in a healthy relationship. If you really want things to work out with your ex, leave the mind games behind and bring your A game!

Anger

The ultimate passion killer in my books. Nobody wants to be around an angry person. Anger has it's place (please see my Blog entry on Anger for more info) however it's generally unwelcome in polite company. So why have it out on your partner? Or why let yourself be the emotional punch bag? Anger is one of the highest sins you can commit in a relationship. Most of us wouldn't imagine screaming at an adorable puppy so how could we bring ourselves to yell at our partners? Projecting anger of any form is a low blow and only damages those around you and eventually ourselves. Whenever we are angry at someone we have essentially crossed a sacred threshold and broken their trust. Emotional scars don't show on the surface but they can cut deep and sometimes remain for life. If you have anger issues towards your partner or in general it's best to own up and get some help if you can.

Resentment

Also another facet of anger. Resentment poisons any future hope so long as we hang onto it. Hanging onto resentments may make you feel righteous however in the end they only serve to weigh you down and remain stuck in the past. When we are unable to move past certain hurts we become enslaved by them and eventually end up attracting similar events/characters anyway. The universe is always throwing curve balls to test our abilities to love and learning forgiveness is one the most advanced things we can do, emotionally speaking. Not many of us have actually forgiven from our hearts. If you cannot wholeheartedly forgive your partner for everything then consider the resuscitation of your relationship pointless! Learning to forgive means being able to have compassion and empathy for our mistakes and others. Forgiving your partner for their wrongdoings frees you from the clutches of deep seated anger and negativity. Your partner will be able to feel safe again to open up to you and perhaps be more motivated to love more in return!

So what next?

Once you've done some soul searching, it's time to reach out to your ex! Be confident, positive and truthful. Tell them what you've learned. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would like to see happen. Don't be afraid to hold back. This is your chance to really show them how much you care and wish to make things better!

Aim to keep your word and don't fall back into old habits!

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sometimes we have to lose something great to realise what it truly meant to us.

Wishing you all the best,

Sophie x 

Click here to access my website for more!

I suspect that my partner is cheating. Is it wrong to spy on them?

Deep down we know it's wrong but the temptation is often unbearable. Who are they texting? What do they really get up to when we're not around? Could they be hiding something or is it our own insecurities at play? Many of us at some point have wanted to check up on our partners. But why?

Perhaps our reasons are completely justified. Maybe you've noticed that they've been more distracted lately. Maybe you're having more arguments. Maybe they're spending more time at work/the gym? With any sudden changes in behaviour, it's all too easy to suspect that they could be keeping something shady from you.

We might confront them, the accused may evade the issue; become defensive; aggressive or even lie. This often leaves us with a feeling of hopelessness. That they leave us no choice but to play detective...

However there are some thoughts and risks we need to take into account. For example, let's imagine if you do uncover something questionable? What if you are faced with the non negotiable fact that they are cheating? How would this make you feel? Are you emotionally ready to accept an act/repeated acts of indiscretion? Then again, what if you discover nothing, would you feel satisfied or suspect that they must have deleted the evidence/have another account/have another mobile? Also, consider the possibility that you might be caught for spying? 

Spying is wrong and damaging, and deep down we know it.

Let's focus on the damage it does to you.  The need to snoop on someone is actually causing you more harm because you are giving your time, focus and energy away from yourself and other priorities. Many of us wish for truth, but we want it now and sometimes in the most destructive way possible! Having to go out of your way isn't actually necessary! Knowing whether your partner is hiding something from you is actually a lot easier than you think (much more on that later). You see, busting into your partner's phone /computer only serves as a distraction from you having to deal with your feelings. Instead of experiencing, releasing and moving past the pain, you are actually prolonging the suffering and anxiety for yourself. 

Not only is it dis-empowering but a waste of your precious time and energy. That time could be better spent on developing the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, family or even with your significant other. To find the truth, we simply need to be ready for it. Only then will the truth reveal itself without you even needing to lift a finger. 

Ironically, spying only serves to create even more distance in a relationship. How we feel about cheating is probably how our partner feels about spying! Both are acts of betrayal in a sense. Now if you happen to stumble across something, that's an entirely different matter. But hacking into their email account is desperate and taking things too far. How would you feel if your partner accused you of cheating and instead of calling it out, decides to snoop instead? I think you get the point. Put yourself in their shoes, guilty or not, how would you wish to be approached?

I know for many, snooping may be justified however it could just drive the two of you further apart. Especially if your partner happens to be innocent!

Spying is morally wrong because we are invading their right to privacy plus the act in itself is in direct opposition to love. Instead of allowing our partners to feel safe to open up to us we are virtually using a crowbar to force entry into their mind and heart. This can cause them to become resentful and seldom motivates them to be truthful anyway. If your partner were ever to find out about your spying ways then there's a chance that they may never forgive you. 

Why do we spy?

Lack of trust

We have problems trusting others or even ourselves. Perhaps we've had our fingers burnt before and are now twice shy. Perhaps your partner is displaying a lot of concerning behaviour that causes you to automatically assume the worst. Whatever the case, best to acknowledge the way you are feeling but don't act out on the urge to snoop (more tips on that later).

Self preservation

We feel that we are entitled to the truth in order to protect ourselves. I agree that we must take measures to protect ourselves however there are other ways to deal with the problem other than spying. Spying is actually a sign of losing control!

Vulnerability and insecurities

Love is the strongest force however it can also make us feel vulnerable and insecure. We are afraid of losing our partners and being rejected by them. We feel hurt, powerless and angry. The feelings become so uncomfortable that we feel the need to transfer these emotions onto our partner, even in an indirect way.

Every time you snoop on your partner you are demonstrating that even if you gave them the opportunity to speak up, you wouldn't trust them anyway. Depending on how connected your partner is to your emotions, they may or may not pick up on this unrest from you on a subconscious level. Often times a partner can sense changes in your behaviour too!

So if spying isn't the ideal solution, what can I do instead?

Investigate the triggers for your suspicions. What alarmed you? Was it something they said or done. Or was it a mere gut feeling? Regardless, it is important to honour but not obey your unpleasant feelings. We are emotional beings after all and trying to deny your pain just causes more pain in the end. When we suppress our unpleasant emotions we are actually damaging ourselves. We are not allowing ourselves to be authentic, we are betraying our own heart. What bubbles to the surface, needs to be released otherwise it will just be a matter of time before we get those creepy feelings again. Don't try to defer your feelings. Don't try to buy yourself time. It's likely that what you are experiencing is a deep rooted concern, inflicted on you well before this relationship. Hence, it is healthy to explore, express and release any negative emotions to bring you closer to your own personal sense of power, serenity and truth.

Stage 1: Confront your demons

I'll need you to put your rational mind to one side for the time being. This is an emotional issue which is best dealt with emotionally. Find a safe and private place to allow the sense of betrayal and anguish to wash over you. Scream into a pillow, attack a punchbag and cry if you must. If you find yourself feeling as though you are in  a childlike state then you are on the right path! Try to get in touch with the real cause of your feelings. What is beneath all the anger and pain? Is it a deep sense of unworthiness; inadequacy; fear or hopelessness? Write it all down. Take responsibility for your own emotions. Please refrain from projecting your suspicions onto your partner (we will deal with them at a later point). No one can make you feel bad unless you let them. And if you feel bad, don't judge yourself but allow it to pass through you. Each time you release the heavy feelings, you will emerge lighter and stronger. Once you feel ready to accept the possibility that they are having an affair, proceed to the next stage.

Stage 2: Speak to your partner

Once you've spent some time processing your thoughts and feelings, now is the perfect time to approach your significant other. You may choose to do this face to face or via Email/Letter. Pick whichever makes you comfortable. Be brave and express your concerns. Try not to attack or accuse them, rather just ask (calmly) whether they are having an affair. Explain that it is important to you and that you can deal with the truth.

What if they are guilty?

Respect the fact that they have come clean. If you still feel hurt and angry then you will probably need to revisit Stage 1. Give yourself enough time to fully process everything. Your guilty partner needs to understand that what they've done is selfish and damaging to the relationship. Ask them to explore the reasons why they felt the need to have an affair. Both of you will need to take some time apart to reflect on everything. If both parties still have love for one another then it's a high probability that they will overcome this. However if your partner shows little remorse or motivation to deal with the problem, consider whether you want to continue a lifetime of being treated badly?

No matter how much we love another person, we cannot make them love us back.

And what if they are in the clear? 

Trust your gut. If you feel they are lying, then chances are it's probably true. All I can recommend is that you consider them innocent until proven guilty. Ensure that their words and actions add up. A person who has a tendency to act in opposition to their words shouldn't be trusted anyway. In which case, this poses an even greater issue (more on this in another post).

On the other hand, if you are blessed with a loyal partner then rejoice! However it may be beneficial to work through any residual feelings so that this wont cause any problems between the two of you somewhere down the line.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more!