I suspect that my partner is cheating. Is it wrong to spy on them?

Deep down we know it's wrong but the temptation is often unbearable. Who are they texting? What do they really get up to when we're not around? Could they be hiding something or is it our own insecurities at play? Many of us at some point have wanted to check up on our partners. But why?

Perhaps our reasons are completely justified. Maybe you've noticed that they've been more distracted lately. Maybe you're having more arguments. Maybe they're spending more time at work/the gym? With any sudden changes in behaviour, it's all too easy to suspect that they could be keeping something shady from you.

We might confront them, the accused may evade the issue; become defensive; aggressive or even lie. This often leaves us with a feeling of hopelessness. That they leave us no choice but to play detective...

However there are some thoughts and risks we need to take into account. For example, let's imagine if you do uncover something questionable? What if you are faced with the non negotiable fact that they are cheating? How would this make you feel? Are you emotionally ready to accept an act/repeated acts of indiscretion? Then again, what if you discover nothing, would you feel satisfied or suspect that they must have deleted the evidence/have another account/have another mobile? Also, consider the possibility that you might be caught for spying? 

Spying is wrong and damaging, and deep down we know it.

Let's focus on the damage it does to you.  The need to snoop on someone is actually causing you more harm because you are giving your time, focus and energy away from yourself and other priorities. Many of us wish for truth, but we want it now and sometimes in the most destructive way possible! Having to go out of your way isn't actually necessary! Knowing whether your partner is hiding something from you is actually a lot easier than you think (much more on that later). You see, busting into your partner's phone /computer only serves as a distraction from you having to deal with your feelings. Instead of experiencing, releasing and moving past the pain, you are actually prolonging the suffering and anxiety for yourself. 

Not only is it dis-empowering but a waste of your precious time and energy. That time could be better spent on developing the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, family or even with your significant other. To find the truth, we simply need to be ready for it. Only then will the truth reveal itself without you even needing to lift a finger. 

Ironically, spying only serves to create even more distance in a relationship. How we feel about cheating is probably how our partner feels about spying! Both are acts of betrayal in a sense. Now if you happen to stumble across something, that's an entirely different matter. But hacking into their email account is desperate and taking things too far. How would you feel if your partner accused you of cheating and instead of calling it out, decides to snoop instead? I think you get the point. Put yourself in their shoes, guilty or not, how would you wish to be approached?

I know for many, snooping may be justified however it could just drive the two of you further apart. Especially if your partner happens to be innocent!

Spying is morally wrong because we are invading their right to privacy plus the act in itself is in direct opposition to love. Instead of allowing our partners to feel safe to open up to us we are virtually using a crowbar to force entry into their mind and heart. This can cause them to become resentful and seldom motivates them to be truthful anyway. If your partner were ever to find out about your spying ways then there's a chance that they may never forgive you. 

Why do we spy?

Lack of trust

We have problems trusting others or even ourselves. Perhaps we've had our fingers burnt before and are now twice shy. Perhaps your partner is displaying a lot of concerning behaviour that causes you to automatically assume the worst. Whatever the case, best to acknowledge the way you are feeling but don't act out on the urge to snoop (more tips on that later).

Self preservation

We feel that we are entitled to the truth in order to protect ourselves. I agree that we must take measures to protect ourselves however there are other ways to deal with the problem other than spying. Spying is actually a sign of losing control!

Vulnerability and insecurities

Love is the strongest force however it can also make us feel vulnerable and insecure. We are afraid of losing our partners and being rejected by them. We feel hurt, powerless and angry. The feelings become so uncomfortable that we feel the need to transfer these emotions onto our partner, even in an indirect way.

Every time you snoop on your partner you are demonstrating that even if you gave them the opportunity to speak up, you wouldn't trust them anyway. Depending on how connected your partner is to your emotions, they may or may not pick up on this unrest from you on a subconscious level. Often times a partner can sense changes in your behaviour too!

So if spying isn't the ideal solution, what can I do instead?

Investigate the triggers for your suspicions. What alarmed you? Was it something they said or done. Or was it a mere gut feeling? Regardless, it is important to honour but not obey your unpleasant feelings. We are emotional beings after all and trying to deny your pain just causes more pain in the end. When we suppress our unpleasant emotions we are actually damaging ourselves. We are not allowing ourselves to be authentic, we are betraying our own heart. What bubbles to the surface, needs to be released otherwise it will just be a matter of time before we get those creepy feelings again. Don't try to defer your feelings. Don't try to buy yourself time. It's likely that what you are experiencing is a deep rooted concern, inflicted on you well before this relationship. Hence, it is healthy to explore, express and release any negative emotions to bring you closer to your own personal sense of power, serenity and truth.

Stage 1: Confront your demons

I'll need you to put your rational mind to one side for the time being. This is an emotional issue which is best dealt with emotionally. Find a safe and private place to allow the sense of betrayal and anguish to wash over you. Scream into a pillow, attack a punchbag and cry if you must. If you find yourself feeling as though you are in  a childlike state then you are on the right path! Try to get in touch with the real cause of your feelings. What is beneath all the anger and pain? Is it a deep sense of unworthiness; inadequacy; fear or hopelessness? Write it all down. Take responsibility for your own emotions. Please refrain from projecting your suspicions onto your partner (we will deal with them at a later point). No one can make you feel bad unless you let them. And if you feel bad, don't judge yourself but allow it to pass through you. Each time you release the heavy feelings, you will emerge lighter and stronger. Once you feel ready to accept the possibility that they are having an affair, proceed to the next stage.

Stage 2: Speak to your partner

Once you've spent some time processing your thoughts and feelings, now is the perfect time to approach your significant other. You may choose to do this face to face or via Email/Letter. Pick whichever makes you comfortable. Be brave and express your concerns. Try not to attack or accuse them, rather just ask (calmly) whether they are having an affair. Explain that it is important to you and that you can deal with the truth.

What if they are guilty?

Respect the fact that they have come clean. If you still feel hurt and angry then you will probably need to revisit Stage 1. Give yourself enough time to fully process everything. Your guilty partner needs to understand that what they've done is selfish and damaging to the relationship. Ask them to explore the reasons why they felt the need to have an affair. Both of you will need to take some time apart to reflect on everything. If both parties still have love for one another then it's a high probability that they will overcome this. However if your partner shows little remorse or motivation to deal with the problem, consider whether you want to continue a lifetime of being treated badly?

No matter how much we love another person, we cannot make them love us back.

And what if they are in the clear? 

Trust your gut. If you feel they are lying, then chances are it's probably true. All I can recommend is that you consider them innocent until proven guilty. Ensure that their words and actions add up. A person who has a tendency to act in opposition to their words shouldn't be trusted anyway. In which case, this poses an even greater issue (more on this in another post).

On the other hand, if you are blessed with a loyal partner then rejoice! However it may be beneficial to work through any residual feelings so that this wont cause any problems between the two of you somewhere down the line.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

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The importance of truth in relationships

Honesty is the best policy. And yet many of us shy away from the truth. If truth is so highly valued, why do we still lie?

Frankly, most of us even lie about wanting the truth. If your partner was cheating on you all this time, would you be able to handle it? What would you do? What if they revealed their real motivations for cheating? What if it was because they found you boring in bed; not attractive enough; not rich enough; not smart enough; not skinny enough, etc? What if they confessed that they were just using you until they found something better? How would that make you feel? 

Chances are you would feel an overwhelming sense of hurt, injustice, disappointment and humiliation. To know that this person you loved was toying with your feelings. Had no intention of really being with you. They just used you for their own selfish gain. To satisfy their ego. To fill in the void. To kill some time. For their own entertainment. All those heartfelt moments you shared were actually an illusion. Whilst you may have cared for them deeply, you were nothing but a source of amusement to them. This truth would break your heart. Your world would come crashing down. The sobering realisation that the relationship never existed but was just a playground of lies and deception. A cunning trap to take advantage of your good will and good heart. 

Lies cause destruction to relationships and to one's integrity. Those who lie are naturally overly suspicious of others. After all if they make a habit of doing it all the time then it's easy to assume that others may be playing the same game too? Pathological liars cannot trust anyone, especially themselves. This can only create a restless, complicated and unstable existence for one. The whole point of getting into relationships is because we trust and want to open up to another. Being open means being honest which equates to more intimacy. Therefore lies only serve to create emotional distance and destroy any hope of a real connection. If you are constantly lying to your partner then consider the fact that you are choosing to be selfish and not loving them. You are protecting your own ego and abusing their free will by restricting them access to potentially unsavoury information. Important information that may otherwise cause them to act and behave differently. The more you lie, the less people really know you. Remaining in a relationship where you don't want to know or be known is simply illogical. If you truly loved this person then you wouldn't want them to accept nor suffer for your lies. The truth sets you free as they say.

If we had love for others we would want be truthful and not purposefully engage in relations that we know have no real mileage. We would be upfront about our emotional state. Perhaps we would even learn to love ourselves and seek counselling to break the cycle of hurting and using others. Truth never hurts - only the exposure of a lie. 

I would like to see couples come clean about their lies, even the ones that appear ancient or insignificant. Granted there is a risk that the relationship may disintegrate. However the relationship was never real in the first place. Then again, it may not spell the end in which case there's hope that the relationship could blossom into something more authentic, deeper and fulfilling.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

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Do you have a fear of intimacy?

Nothing compares to falling in love. They make your heart skip a beat. They bring meaning, inspiration and sunshine into your life. You cannot imagine a life without them.

Yet at the same time our instincts urge us to to flee. Whether we act on this feeling or not, we are subconsciously pushing our partners away when perhaps its the last thing we truly want to do.

Why is falling in love so confusing and hard for some?

Two steps forward one step back...

Many of us enter into a relationship with much trepidation. Especially those with a string of failed and painful relationships behind them. We long to be in a happy relationship, to be intimate with someone, to be deeply connected and yet we subconsciously or deliberately sabotage it time after time.  

What are the classic signs of a fear of intimacy?

Avoidance

The person may choose to limit interaction with others. They may be unwilling to reveal too much information about themselves to avoid being judged or potentially rejected. They can also be overly interested in other people in a way to bypass any attention on themselves. People who are overly busy may use their lifestyle as an excuse to being single.

Impossible standards

The person may have impossibly high standards / expectations of themselves or others. They may be overly critical and use excuses for not being in a relationship or loving their partner.

Unrequited love

People who fear intimacy may develop strong feelings for those who are emotionally unavailable or unattainable. This is due to the low demand of personal investment from themselves, thereby avoiding rejection. They would prefer to love from afar than be in situation where they'll feel scrutinized / vulnerable and most likely be rejected.

Short term / Long distance relationships

Those who fear intimacy may favour short term or casual relationships. They feel safer when there is a certain amount of distance from their flame. However it only takes a matter of time before the victim dumps their love interest in search of another. Again, these people do not want to invest too much time with any one person because such investment requires more from them than they are prepared to offer. Revealing more about themselves makes them feel out of control.

Hot and cold

If the sufferer is able to be in a committed relationship this may be wrought with immense spells of them running hot and cold. This often causes a lot of confusion and frustration for the poor partner. It is also very hard for the sufferer too. Too much intimacy can cause sudden alarm bells to ring in their head and before you know it they are giving you the cold shoulder, withholding affection, being mean and distant or avoiding you completely. It's almost as though they are possessed during such phases and the more you try to love or chase them the faster and farther they flee from you. They are conscious of what they're doing yet cannot seem to control it. However they are often tormented themselves and feel ashamed of the pain they are causing to others. The hot and cold act is a means for them to monitor and control the flow of intimacy. 

Where does it all stem from?

Quite simply, past trauma. At some point in their lives (most likely way in the past such as childhood) they had their fingers burnt. They may not even recall the actual event(s) but the emotional impact was so significant that the sufferer is wired to associate intimacy with pain. They may have felt a deep sense of abandoned, rejection, being ignored, criticised or unloved when they were emotionally vulnerable. 

Fearing intimacy also represents a feeling of being unworthy of love. Therefore whenever a person provides love to them when they least expect it, they will mistrust it and will probably reject you. Such victims were taught to work hard for love and will reject it whenever they feel they are undeserving.

What can be done?

Firstly, there needs to be an awareness of the problem. The sufferer needs to consciously become aware of when they are acting defensively and what triggers them. They say that time heals all wounds however merely burying your head in the sand indefinitely, is not going to magic your problems away. Time makes us forget certain things but it isn't a complete cure all. It's what you do with the time that counts. 

If it's you who fears intimacy and you wish to be in a relationship, I would encourage taking some time out to deal with the problem. The decision to remain in your relationship, have a temporary break, etc is yours. However, it's best to be honest with your partner about your feelings and circumstances. Try not to leave them in the dark. Be considerate and kind. Exploring your past emotional wounds will be key into letting go and overriding any anti -intimacy knee jerk reactions. It would be beneficial to understand where your triggers stem from; certain behaviours of your guardians as well as their coping mechanisms. All together these can bring tremendous clarity and self awareness. You'll be able to pin point where it all came from, why it causes you to act a particular way and therefore be able to consciously choose to do things differently. You will be free from your past.

It will take time and some heavy lifting on your part to overcome this emotional restriction. Yet with determination, the right tools and patience you can achieve more emotional freedom and empowerment that you'd ever imagined.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x