How to overcome rejection

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Why rejection hurts

Rejection isn't an easy pill to swallow. Whether it was a hard blow, a subtle 'hint', fact or fiction, it still smacks of the same bitter flavour. The incident plagues us, swirling endlessly in our tired minds; exhausted from trying to work out the whys and wherefores. Rejection unravels even the best of us and often leaves a trail of broken dreams, relationships and people behind.

Rejection punctures the air out the ego; scrambles our brains; eats us from the inside; robs us of our self-esteem and sometimes bruises the heart. Many of us do our best to brush it off despite feeling knocked, deflated and emotionally scarred.

What causes rejection to sting so much?

What if I told you that rejection can only hurt you if you truly believed in it? The fact that you are so triggered by rejection means that you secretly possess feelings of self-rejection. Rejection can only injure if such an emotion existed within you. Rejection doesn't have to be personal unless you want it to be.

Rejection in relationships

Nothing hurts more than being rejected by our nearest and dearest; we trust them; we are invested in their thoughts and opinions; we bare our souls to these people. However being rejected by our loved ones can feel like an act of betrayal and cuts like a knife.

We often reject ideas or people on a subconscious level and sometimes it's just a matter of miscommunication. If you're in doubt, just ask for clarity. Be open to ideas for growth and expansion. Ensure that any constructive feedback is coming from a good place and with a good dosage of logic! Be discerning. It is one thing to be offered 'information' and another to being attacked. Be wary of the difference. In any case, you're an individual with your own mind; beliefs and values. Hence, it is your choice whether you decide to accept or act on the back of any form of rejection.

It's a huge tragedy that many of us are being rejected by our close circle in some underhand, malicious or often indescribable ways. And if you're one of those poor victims who are being vandalised of their life force and self-esteem, I ask why you are offering your wonderful soul to these people? Please see my video on emotional and mental abuse for more information.

Start observing your nearest and dearest carefully. Do they measure up in terms of integrity; honesty; humility and love? If not, perhaps you should ask why you are placing your trust in those who have such a warped view of you?

Those who constantly criticise and reject others often fear rejection themselves; and rather than running the risk of being rejected they finish up rejecting others first. Question the real motives of others; don't be a martyr by accepting other people's inability to deal with their own feelings of inferiority.

Rejection in work and groups

Being an outcast of a social or work group is an emotionally demoralising experience. And yet, we suck it up, maintain the composure of a good team player when clearly we are being ostracised and oppressed. It becomes a soul-destroying routine, whereby they conceal information from you; talk behind your back; make you the butt of their jokes and only wish to make your life as awkward as possible. You are conscious of the backstabbing but feel outnumbered, powerless and probably desperate to retain your job /social connections. However you need to be able to see the situation for what it really is - they are making you an outcast. Whatever their reasons, it probably has nothing to do with you but their own personal issues.

Wouldn't you rather be around people who appreciate your time and what you have to bring to the table? Relationships of any sort are about healthy exchanges. How we spend our time indicates what we value the most. So if you are spending time in a work or social environment which leaves you feeling uninspired, empty or joyless; ask why you are selling yourself short in the department of emotional wellbeing?

Allow for some time to do some self-reflection, restoration and finding inner peace. Look to join other groups who share the same interests and social graces. In a work situation, consider raising your concerns with your HR department or start looking for work elsewhere. Consider tending to the weeds in the way of your emotional wellbeing; surround yourself with good vibrations; protect yourself from negative influences; recharge your batteries; draw a line in the sand and start redesigning your life.

Positivity begets more positivity and can only be good for the mind, body, soul as well as the old bank account!

Rejection can be our teacher

Let's say you applied for a lucrative job, you aced the final interview, only to be dropped at the last minute! You're devastated; you banked your hopes on something which appeared to be a sure thing, only you now have to accept will never materialise.

However, such rejection can help us to ask key questions and to build character. You may need to ask yourself whether you were underqualified / overqualified for the position?

Were you truly ready for that level of responsibility?

Was it something you actually wanted to do?

Perhaps the job rejection had little do with your skills but your lack of self confidence? Do some honest self-analysis, what areas do you think you can improve on?

Consider the rejection as a divine opportunity for you to seek a more appropriate position, boost your self confidence or to improve your skills.

Rejection can caution us to stop, revise and replan if necessary!

Rejection is also a healthy right

Let's use an example on dating; you've finally plucked up the courage to speak to the object of your affection. You might even have had the chance to get to know them a little better and to even know that they're single. However when you finally ask them out, they strongly shut you down. The feelings of awkwardness, humiliation and rejection will probably haunt you, especially if you have to be in close proximity to that person, such as in a work setting.

Each of us has had to reject people and situations for all sorts of weird and wonderful reasons and again, it probably had more to do with our own personal issues than anything else. Living in such a fast-paced society with endless tasks and demands on our precious time means we cannot always say yes to every job opportunity; every social invitation and every potential suitor! It is healthy to be able to say 'No'.

Everybody has been gifted with free will. And, we should respect the free will of others as much as we treasure our own. What might intrigue or be considered as important by one person, probably couldn't be rated any less by another. So, rather than see rejection as a curse, see it as a healthy right and even a blessing in disguise. Just because that one person (out of 7 billion) cannot recognise your attractiveness and worth doesn't mean someone else won't. Respect the free will of others and remind yourself that you might also have to do a little rejecting at some point too!

Reframe rejection and find an outlet

Understand that the reasons for rejection are as varied and complex as we are as individuals. Therefore, there is little point trying to comprehend or accept all forms of rejection. Strive to only accept constructive feedback which will be of benefit to you and decide to discard the rest. Be selective and firm. Distance yourself from those who are overly negative and critical. Protect yourself from energy sappers. You have a right to even refuse rejection!

Understandably, the sting of rejection cannot be removed by logic alone. Even those who are masters of psychology also experience rejection and it's painful lingering emotions. Therefore, allow yourself to wallow and get angry for a bit! It's perfectly ok to feel down in the dumps every now and then. Let whatever needs to be expressed, be expressed. Permit yourself sufficient time to allow the processing of whatever emotions crop up. Look for healthy releases which leave you feeling less burdened and revitalised.

Some healthy outlets:

• Journalling

• Painting/arts and crafts

• Consulting a trusted friend /therapist / counsellor

• Singing

• Meditating

• Physical activities such as going for a run, yoga, punching a pillow..etc

• Cleaning / DIY

• Joining a support group

• Having a good cry

Find creative ways to express the whole palate of your emotions. Consult a professional or confide in a trusted friend. Surround yourself with positive influences and people. Give yourself plenty of time for rest, recovery, reflection and re-evaluation. Embrace your feelings, be kind to yourself and trust that you are worth more than the pain you are feeling right now.

Rejection is just an opinion; it does not have to define you.

If the above resonates with you and you'd like to explore a personal matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

Why we remain stuck in toxic relationships

There is something almost mystical about toxic relationships. They demand endless attention, effort, energy, and money. Yet we are seemingly enslaved by them. It seems like the biggest scam in history - that the more loving we pour into it, the less we get in return.

We cry out in pain, reach out to our friends and loved ones for comfort only to crawl back to our supposedly evil partners. Soap operas become a reenactment of our tragic lives, thereby normalizing the pain. But why do we cling onto toxic relationships even when we know they don't serve us?

Before I continue, I feel the need to strongly recommend for who are in particularly violent relationships to seek support and consider leaving their partner asap.

In the meantime, I shall explore a few reasons on why YOU are emotionally stuck.

Fear

Nobody likes to admit that we have certain fears around our relationships. We put on a brave face to the world when inside we are trembling. We keep our partner at arms length because we fear them, the relationship and even ourselves! The reality is that such feelings are so common. The problem isn't so much to do with our feelings but society's judgment towards them. This causes us to reject the idea of owning terrible feelings such as vulnerability, paranoia, and insecurity. We don't want to be outcasts of society so we allow ourselves to be manipulated by its rules.

It's disturbing that negative emotions often get such a bad rap. They are just feelings after all and do not have to define you in any way. As the saying goes “nothing to fear but fear itself”. Fear is considered too frightening that the mere thought of it sends shivers down our spine. However every time you run away from fear, you are allowing fear to run you! People who repress their negative emotions ironically give them more power than they should.

So it's actually healthy to acknowledge these unpleasant truths because this will be key in solving the problem! After all, it would be foolish to fix something without identifying the issue first. You don't have to go shouting from the rooftops about your self-discovery - just being honest with yourself is already a massive step towards empowerment.

A wise person once said, "don't run away from problems, run them over instead".

So what are your fears? The following is a list I'd started whilst discussing with a friend (bear in mind this isn't fully exhaustive):

• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of change
• Fear of stepping out in our own
• Fear of making the wrong decision
• Fear of hurting our partner
• Fear of being judged by others
• Fear that the grass may not be greener on the other side
• Fear of loneliness
• Fear of rejection from future prospects
• Fear of being punished /rejected if we do leave but decide to return
• Fear of admitting defeat.
• Fear of the actual pain associated with a breakup
• Fear of our partner's reaction if we do break it off
• Fear of retribution
• Fear of losing support or security

Reflect, feel and release any painful emotions that crop up. It will seem hard at first but it will get easier with practice. Don't force or rush the process - even a mere 10 mins a day is a good start.

Familiarity

An established relationship can feel like an old pair of shoes; well past their glory days but we're so accustomed to them. Bonds take time to break into our hearts which is often why it becomes difficult to part with them. We've grown close to them and they've accepted our strange quirks. They say that familiarity breeds contempt although I'm inclined to disagree - it is the storage of resentment which causes a sense of loathing. Familiarity at its best can invite a certain predictability which can be comforting but it's a poor justification for staying with someone.

Nostalgia and our addiction to chemical romance

Many of us are unable to move past a certain idea of them. It is unsurprising that many of us present the best of ourselves during the courtship dance. In most cases, such appearances cannot be sustained and it's only a matter of time before the cracks begin to show. We rationalise that it's just a passing phase; that the thrills and passion can be restored. We idolise the former days, pine for their return and become disillusioned with the true state of our relationship. We become so consumed by it all that we barely recognise ourselves or the person we're with.

Letting go of these unfulfilled hopes and dreams can feel devastating however it's the only way to move forward, with or without your significant other. 

It's important for us to accept the reality of how the relationship has changed in order to progress and operate from a place of strength.

Examine whether you are in love with them or the feelings they once gave you? If it's the latter then it's a possibility that you are seeking an addiction and not love.

Be honest with yourself, what does love mean to you?

Investment

Any time spent with, or thinking about them is an investment. It was time which could have been spent on various other things and other people. Instead, we allowed them to dominate our thoughts, priorities, time and energy because we believed they were worth it. Patience is a virtue. Yet, if you haven't noticed any improvement in your relationship after a reasonable period of time, then either your approach needs to change or you need to change partner.

Anger, control and power

You know the saying, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer? As much we love our partners, we may also resent them and sometimes the feeling is very much mutual. They probably know our hopes, dreams wishes and embarrassing secrets. They might even know where our sore spots are. As sad as it sounds, many choose to continue a relationship to control or be controlled. If either (or both) rings true to you, you may need to seek counselling to overcome this nasty habit.

Commitment, guilt and denial

Seasons change, people change, circumstances change and of course, hearts and minds change too. A commitment doesn't have to be a life sentence. Being a person of your word is admirable, but it doesn't have to be done at the expense of your happiness and sanity.

It's bad enough to lie to your other half but even worse to have to lie to yourself if your commitment to the cause is wavering. By no means am I suggesting that you axe your partner now or run off with that cutie from the office. Rather, try to reflect on how you genuinely feel. Ask yourself why you don't feel fulfilled in the relationship? Ask yourself if you're truly open to loving and being loved by your partner?

Perhaps we were in the wrong and broke their heart? Maybe it's the guilt which keeps us entrapped. If so, forgive yourself and promise not to repeat the same mistakes with your partner or anybody else for that matter. Just because we get a parking ticket doesn't mean we have to keep on paying the penalty, tenfold. Stop beating yourself up. Allow yourself to experience the full extent of your guilt and shame. Drain it from your system and make choices based on how you feel without the guilt. Forgive yourself even if no one else will. Don't feel obligated to be with someone out of pity or duty.

Sometimes just thinking about how awful we feel makes us want to shut down. We might even try to minimise the pain, deny that the problems are even 'real' problems. We justify their bad behaviour and our own. We question whether we're being too picky or imagining it all. Denial just causes more suffering for all and there's so much more to life than that! Perhaps you are just as toxic as your partner (perhaps even more?). Although such realisations will require a high level of self-awareness which basically means the opposite of denial! Continuing to live in denial is choosing to be in a coma. The choice is yours...

Convenience

Sadly, this is a common reason why couples stick together longer than they probably should. They don't want the hassle, disruption, inconvenience or pain of a breakup. They'd rather go through the motions and remain stagnant unless there's a major deal breaker or something better comes along. A relationship built on convenience is actually abusive because we are using and being used by others. In other words, we are settling for second best and allowing mediocrity to rule.

Are there ever good reasons for being in a toxic relationship?

Firstly, if you have to label your relationship as 'toxic' then need I explain more? All joking aside, healthy unions are based on love, trust, respect and growth! If you don't have an ounce of any of these then it truly is a draining relationship.

Summary

Now you get the idea of why we might choose to live in a state of ignorance! Perhaps the issues are actually nothing to do with our partner. Whatever the case, better to put on your thinking cap and get started. If you aren't prepared to try to acknowledge or address the issues, how could anything possibly get any better?

Such issues may be vast and complex. Sometimes when we attempt to break down one issue, it splinters off into another pesky problem. It might seem like awfully hard work but it's a worthwhile investment – on you. See yourself as the biggest and most rewarding project you'll ever take on. You are bigger than the relationship with your partner.

Your life might seem like a car crash right now but it doesn't have to stay that way. Life is full of choices and even deciding to bury your head in the sand is a considered a choice.

We cannot expect our circumstances to change without engaging some sort of change within ourselves. Face yourself, your fears, your toxic habits and your demons. Write down what it is that you want from life and relationships in general. Set yourself achievable goals. Take control of life. Embrace the challenges. Learn from its lessons and don't be afraid to seek support.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Ignorance isn't bliss, just a conscious decision to stay blind.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

Stay tuned for Part 2 – how to transform the relationship / break it off

How to get over your ex

How many of us have tried moving on from an ex but only to find ourselves obsessing over them? We dread to think if they've forgotten about us already and moved onto something better. We stalk their facebook page, play sad music, get lost in thoughts of memories you once shared. We hope and pray that they are thinking of us and missing us too. And yet even if we try our best to move on, date other people, conquer the world, lingering thoughts of them still bubble up. Frustrating!

Why is it so hard to get over an ex? The truth is part of you doesn't want to get over them. Your precious time, energy and heart was invested in that person and it takes time and much effort to undo all of those pent up emotions, hopes and dreams. Breaking up is similar to the death of a beloved. To really get over an ex you have to accept that it is over. That means truly believing that you will never have that person in your life as a romantic partner ever again. When we let ourselves experience the actual grief of losing someone we love we can begin to free ourselves.

Love is an emotional thing. It's not logical so there's little point trying to convince yourself how you should FEEL. It is acceptable and normal to have feelings of anger, hurt, fear, pain and depression after a break up. In my 30's I have found that it doesn't get any easier but it's a necessary process in order to free our hearts and souls for someone new.

One of the most controversial pieces of advice I'd received in speeding up the recovery process is to FORCE yourself to think about that person all the time! It actually worked, by the end of the day I was so exhausted and sick of thinking of them that I was actually excited to be working away at my desk. It's like I purged him from my system and this freed up capacity for other interesting things. 

So if you're feeling down about a break up - it's ok to cry! Put down that tub of Ben and Jerrys and hide under the duvet instead. Allow your mind, body and soul to feel the hurt; write about it, sing about it, do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. By allowing yourself to fully experience all the emotions tied to the past, you will no longer be living in the past. Be kind. If you feel like you're missing them, allow yourself to miss them. If you feel like being angry, find a good outlet for the anger. Emotions are made to be expressed, not repressed. Better out than in. Don't concern yourself with what your ex is thinking /doing. This is your moment to be selfish and take good care of yourself. Hold yourself as you grieve. Let yourself have more sleep. Allow the full scale of emotions to flow through you. Release them and offer them up the universe through dance, song, poetry, art,.... or even cleaning! Channel that pain and anguish and transform it into something beautiful.

Don't look to defer the hurt and frustration. Choose to deal with it now. With the right approach, time and support you'll find your feet again and will be able to stand, even stronger.

Personally I feel great after a good cry. Who else feels the same?

If you wish to explore this private matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more

Trust issues in relationships

We've all been there at some point in our lives. They say trust takes time to build but mere moments to destroy. I was broken hearted when I found clear evidence of a lover's betrayal - on our second year anniversary. I felt dazed, angry and sick to my stomach. It was as though he stabbed me right in the heart.

How could he do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?

I kept on asking, begging and pleading for answers but I received none. I blamed him. And when I couldn't bear being disappointment or angry anymore, I ended up blaming myself. Fast forward some years later and BAM, there I was again being cheated on. Little did I understand how much power my thoughts and feelings were carrying. I had attracted these horrifying moments in my life! It was a hard pill to swallow, especially as an enthusiast of "positive thinking". Why did bad things keep happening to me?

How? I was in denial. Positive thinking is just that, positive THINKING. It is not the same as positive feeling. The mind may be fooled but the body seldom lies. Deep inside I held a belief of unworthiness. Deep inside I felt unlovable. Deep inside I trusted no one. How on earth did I acquire such awful beliefs? I look back on my childhood and suddenly it all made sense. These beliefs I carried were from emotional injuries long ago. 

As infants we were born to love unconditionally. However in this world we've all endured some degree of emotional trauma. We learned that love was conditional, based on us behaving in a certain way. And when we didn't conform, we were punished. We have been incorrectly programed to believe that love needs to be earned, deserved.

I trusted my parents, my guardians with my heart and they disappointed me. Such emotional scars run deep and naturally, every time we open our heart to someone, these feelings and fears will be triggered. I do not blame my parents for what they did, for they too are products of emotional injuries. I learned that it is important to take ownership of our feelings - not to apportion the blame. We cannot blame others for hurting us and neither should we blame ourselves. The law of attraction is merely presenting a mirror of what's really within you. It is not there to punish you but to serve as a reminder of some feelings and beliefs trapped inside you. 

With sincere emotional clearing you will find that your law of attraction will change and quickly. You will no longer be a magnet for partners or events that make you mistrust. Your existing partner may even change his/her ways miraculously overnight just by you doing this clearing alone!

So have faith, you are not cursed or doomed to be in unloving relationships. Honour your feelings. Experience them and then release them.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Wishing you love and happiness,

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more