How to overcome rejection

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Why rejection hurts

Rejection isn't an easy pill to swallow. Whether it was a hard blow, a subtle 'hint', fact or fiction, it still smacks of the same bitter flavour. The incident plagues us, swirling endlessly in our tired minds; exhausted from trying to work out the whys and wherefores. Rejection unravels even the best of us and often leaves a trail of broken dreams, relationships and people behind.

Rejection punctures the air out the ego; scrambles our brains; eats us from the inside; robs us of our self-esteem and sometimes bruises the heart. Many of us do our best to brush it off despite feeling knocked, deflated and emotionally scarred.

What causes rejection to sting so much?

What if I told you that rejection can only hurt you if you truly believed in it? The fact that you are so triggered by rejection means that you secretly possess feelings of self-rejection. Rejection can only injure if such an emotion existed within you. Rejection doesn't have to be personal unless you want it to be.

Rejection in relationships

Nothing hurts more than being rejected by our nearest and dearest; we trust them; we are invested in their thoughts and opinions; we bare our souls to these people. However being rejected by our loved ones can feel like an act of betrayal and cuts like a knife.

We often reject ideas or people on a subconscious level and sometimes it's just a matter of miscommunication. If you're in doubt, just ask for clarity. Be open to ideas for growth and expansion. Ensure that any constructive feedback is coming from a good place and with a good dosage of logic! Be discerning. It is one thing to be offered 'information' and another to being attacked. Be wary of the difference. In any case, you're an individual with your own mind; beliefs and values. Hence, it is your choice whether you decide to accept or act on the back of any form of rejection.

It's a huge tragedy that many of us are being rejected by our close circle in some underhand, malicious or often indescribable ways. And if you're one of those poor victims who are being vandalised of their life force and self-esteem, I ask why you are offering your wonderful soul to these people? Please see my video on emotional and mental abuse for more information.

Start observing your nearest and dearest carefully. Do they measure up in terms of integrity; honesty; humility and love? If not, perhaps you should ask why you are placing your trust in those who have such a warped view of you?

Those who constantly criticise and reject others often fear rejection themselves; and rather than running the risk of being rejected they finish up rejecting others first. Question the real motives of others; don't be a martyr by accepting other people's inability to deal with their own feelings of inferiority.

Rejection in work and groups

Being an outcast of a social or work group is an emotionally demoralising experience. And yet, we suck it up, maintain the composure of a good team player when clearly we are being ostracised and oppressed. It becomes a soul-destroying routine, whereby they conceal information from you; talk behind your back; make you the butt of their jokes and only wish to make your life as awkward as possible. You are conscious of the backstabbing but feel outnumbered, powerless and probably desperate to retain your job /social connections. However you need to be able to see the situation for what it really is - they are making you an outcast. Whatever their reasons, it probably has nothing to do with you but their own personal issues.

Wouldn't you rather be around people who appreciate your time and what you have to bring to the table? Relationships of any sort are about healthy exchanges. How we spend our time indicates what we value the most. So if you are spending time in a work or social environment which leaves you feeling uninspired, empty or joyless; ask why you are selling yourself short in the department of emotional wellbeing?

Allow for some time to do some self-reflection, restoration and finding inner peace. Look to join other groups who share the same interests and social graces. In a work situation, consider raising your concerns with your HR department or start looking for work elsewhere. Consider tending to the weeds in the way of your emotional wellbeing; surround yourself with good vibrations; protect yourself from negative influences; recharge your batteries; draw a line in the sand and start redesigning your life.

Positivity begets more positivity and can only be good for the mind, body, soul as well as the old bank account!

Rejection can be our teacher

Let's say you applied for a lucrative job, you aced the final interview, only to be dropped at the last minute! You're devastated; you banked your hopes on something which appeared to be a sure thing, only you now have to accept will never materialise.

However, such rejection can help us to ask key questions and to build character. You may need to ask yourself whether you were underqualified / overqualified for the position?

Were you truly ready for that level of responsibility?

Was it something you actually wanted to do?

Perhaps the job rejection had little do with your skills but your lack of self confidence? Do some honest self-analysis, what areas do you think you can improve on?

Consider the rejection as a divine opportunity for you to seek a more appropriate position, boost your self confidence or to improve your skills.

Rejection can caution us to stop, revise and replan if necessary!

Rejection is also a healthy right

Let's use an example on dating; you've finally plucked up the courage to speak to the object of your affection. You might even have had the chance to get to know them a little better and to even know that they're single. However when you finally ask them out, they strongly shut you down. The feelings of awkwardness, humiliation and rejection will probably haunt you, especially if you have to be in close proximity to that person, such as in a work setting.

Each of us has had to reject people and situations for all sorts of weird and wonderful reasons and again, it probably had more to do with our own personal issues than anything else. Living in such a fast-paced society with endless tasks and demands on our precious time means we cannot always say yes to every job opportunity; every social invitation and every potential suitor! It is healthy to be able to say 'No'.

Everybody has been gifted with free will. And, we should respect the free will of others as much as we treasure our own. What might intrigue or be considered as important by one person, probably couldn't be rated any less by another. So, rather than see rejection as a curse, see it as a healthy right and even a blessing in disguise. Just because that one person (out of 7 billion) cannot recognise your attractiveness and worth doesn't mean someone else won't. Respect the free will of others and remind yourself that you might also have to do a little rejecting at some point too!

Reframe rejection and find an outlet

Understand that the reasons for rejection are as varied and complex as we are as individuals. Therefore, there is little point trying to comprehend or accept all forms of rejection. Strive to only accept constructive feedback which will be of benefit to you and decide to discard the rest. Be selective and firm. Distance yourself from those who are overly negative and critical. Protect yourself from energy sappers. You have a right to even refuse rejection!

Understandably, the sting of rejection cannot be removed by logic alone. Even those who are masters of psychology also experience rejection and it's painful lingering emotions. Therefore, allow yourself to wallow and get angry for a bit! It's perfectly ok to feel down in the dumps every now and then. Let whatever needs to be expressed, be expressed. Permit yourself sufficient time to allow the processing of whatever emotions crop up. Look for healthy releases which leave you feeling less burdened and revitalised.

Some healthy outlets:

• Journalling

• Painting/arts and crafts

• Consulting a trusted friend /therapist / counsellor

• Singing

• Meditating

• Physical activities such as going for a run, yoga, punching a pillow..etc

• Cleaning / DIY

• Joining a support group

• Having a good cry

Find creative ways to express the whole palate of your emotions. Consult a professional or confide in a trusted friend. Surround yourself with positive influences and people. Give yourself plenty of time for rest, recovery, reflection and re-evaluation. Embrace your feelings, be kind to yourself and trust that you are worth more than the pain you are feeling right now.

Rejection is just an opinion; it does not have to define you.

If the above resonates with you and you'd like to explore a personal matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

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Do you have a fear of intimacy?

Nothing compares to falling in love. They make your heart skip a beat. They bring meaning, inspiration and sunshine into your life. You cannot imagine a life without them.

Yet at the same time our instincts urge us to to flee. Whether we act on this feeling or not, we are subconsciously pushing our partners away when perhaps its the last thing we truly want to do.

Why is falling in love so confusing and hard for some?

Two steps forward one step back...

Many of us enter into a relationship with much trepidation. Especially those with a string of failed and painful relationships behind them. We long to be in a happy relationship, to be intimate with someone, to be deeply connected and yet we subconsciously or deliberately sabotage it time after time.  

What are the classic signs of a fear of intimacy?

Avoidance

The person may choose to limit interaction with others. They may be unwilling to reveal too much information about themselves to avoid being judged or potentially rejected. They can also be overly interested in other people in a way to bypass any attention on themselves. People who are overly busy may use their lifestyle as an excuse to being single.

Impossible standards

The person may have impossibly high standards / expectations of themselves or others. They may be overly critical and use excuses for not being in a relationship or loving their partner.

Unrequited love

People who fear intimacy may develop strong feelings for those who are emotionally unavailable or unattainable. This is due to the low demand of personal investment from themselves, thereby avoiding rejection. They would prefer to love from afar than be in situation where they'll feel scrutinized / vulnerable and most likely be rejected.

Short term / Long distance relationships

Those who fear intimacy may favour short term or casual relationships. They feel safer when there is a certain amount of distance from their flame. However it only takes a matter of time before the victim dumps their love interest in search of another. Again, these people do not want to invest too much time with any one person because such investment requires more from them than they are prepared to offer. Revealing more about themselves makes them feel out of control.

Hot and cold

If the sufferer is able to be in a committed relationship this may be wrought with immense spells of them running hot and cold. This often causes a lot of confusion and frustration for the poor partner. It is also very hard for the sufferer too. Too much intimacy can cause sudden alarm bells to ring in their head and before you know it they are giving you the cold shoulder, withholding affection, being mean and distant or avoiding you completely. It's almost as though they are possessed during such phases and the more you try to love or chase them the faster and farther they flee from you. They are conscious of what they're doing yet cannot seem to control it. However they are often tormented themselves and feel ashamed of the pain they are causing to others. The hot and cold act is a means for them to monitor and control the flow of intimacy. 

Where does it all stem from?

Quite simply, past trauma. At some point in their lives (most likely way in the past such as childhood) they had their fingers burnt. They may not even recall the actual event(s) but the emotional impact was so significant that the sufferer is wired to associate intimacy with pain. They may have felt a deep sense of abandoned, rejection, being ignored, criticised or unloved when they were emotionally vulnerable. 

Fearing intimacy also represents a feeling of being unworthy of love. Therefore whenever a person provides love to them when they least expect it, they will mistrust it and will probably reject you. Such victims were taught to work hard for love and will reject it whenever they feel they are undeserving.

What can be done?

Firstly, there needs to be an awareness of the problem. The sufferer needs to consciously become aware of when they are acting defensively and what triggers them. They say that time heals all wounds however merely burying your head in the sand indefinitely, is not going to magic your problems away. Time makes us forget certain things but it isn't a complete cure all. It's what you do with the time that counts. 

If it's you who fears intimacy and you wish to be in a relationship, I would encourage taking some time out to deal with the problem. The decision to remain in your relationship, have a temporary break, etc is yours. However, it's best to be honest with your partner about your feelings and circumstances. Try not to leave them in the dark. Be considerate and kind. Exploring your past emotional wounds will be key into letting go and overriding any anti -intimacy knee jerk reactions. It would be beneficial to understand where your triggers stem from; certain behaviours of your guardians as well as their coping mechanisms. All together these can bring tremendous clarity and self awareness. You'll be able to pin point where it all came from, why it causes you to act a particular way and therefore be able to consciously choose to do things differently. You will be free from your past.

It will take time and some heavy lifting on your part to overcome this emotional restriction. Yet with determination, the right tools and patience you can achieve more emotional freedom and empowerment that you'd ever imagined.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x