How can I get my ex back?

It's frequently asked "How can I get my ex back?" and while there aren't any hard and fast rules, here's some general things to consider:

Self analysis

Before we start following them everywhere like a lost puppy, we need to get a grip and ask ourselves why the relationship fell apart in the first place. We cannot justify what our partner had done but we can certainly speak for ourselves. Ask yourself what part did you have to play in the whole dynamic? Were you too self sacrificing or too selfish? Too critical? Too paranoid? Too needy? The list goes on and on. If you are serious about rekindling with an ex it pays to be self aware. Why? Because your ex wants to know that you are aware of your own issues plus you're committed to change. Put yourself in their shoes, would you take back an abusive ex if they were in full denial of the crime and reluctant to change their ways? This is not about self blame but being able to see yourself clearly. Ask why your ex wouldn't want to have you back again? What would you have done differently? If you have pangs of regrets then you know its a case of unfinished business. Better to invest some time to investigate where you went wrong before you start trying to put a ring on it.

So what could be your problem?

Expectations

Sometimes our partners want to give up simply because they don't feel appreciated or valued.

Did we have overly high expectations of our partner? If so then I'm afraid that you are in the wrong! I realise I may upset quite a few folk in saying that but bear with me! Whenever we have expectations of another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Respect the fact that the other person is an individual in their own right. They have their own beliefs, desires, hang ups and above all, free will. That isn't to say that I am condoning abusive behaviour. Instead, I'm referring to unreasonable expectations such as wanting a man to propose within 12 months of dating (I plead guilty). Love of the highest degree should be unconditional. In other words, we love them in spite of them failing to meet our needs or wishes. Forgive your partner for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Remember their unique qualities that drew you in. And don't forget to tell them that they are appreciated. By all means, make suggestions for improvement but don't take them for granted.

What if our partners were simply unloving, unethical and unfair you ask? Well, perhaps ask yourself whether you want to stay with a partner who treats you this way? Then again it may be worthwhile explaining the fact that you don't feel loved by them. Be truthful in your delivery and ensure that there isn't any blame attached. Something along the lines of "I love that you are so supportive. However I've been doing all the housework and it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I would really appreciate it if you could help out more." I believe that men and women have equal responsibility of the household/children. A person who expects their partner to wash up after them all the time is being selfish. We cannot expect such a person to change however we can explain that we cannot continue keeping up such practices indefinitely and that something needs to change.

Trust

Were you overly suspicious of your ex? Or were they mistrusting of you? Did you have any reason to be suspicious or untrustworthy? So long as you have the best intentions, you shouldn't have anything to fear. If the trust has been broken between the two of you consider what YOU can offer to rebuild trust? For example, if your ex partner cheated on you and is remorseful, you may try offering to forgive and forget; and work through your anger and grief via counselling etc.

If you truly want to make things work with your ex then you will need to be serious about becoming a more loving and improved version of yourself. Look after yourself better, take ownership of your feelings and aim to walk the walk.

Mind games

There are several articles that tell us to act hard to get and I have to say that these simply do not work – in the long run. You may be able to cajole or manipulate somebody into doing a certain thing however this just causes unnecessary psychological damage. And eventually everybody gets bored of the boy who cried wolf. We do not need to resort to silly childish games in order to raise the standards within the relationship. We can simply be more loving and truthful. In a world of opposites, I've had my fair share of men pretend to hate me when they actually wanted me and the memories make me sick to the stomach. I would've given them far more love and respect had they been evolved enough to come out with the truth. If you really wanted a promotion at work would you openly declare to the interviewer that you couldn't care less whether you got the job or not? Most likely not. So why would we resort to such silly games when it comes to our relationships? Understandably no one wants to feel vulnerable. Although, if you're not prepared to be emotionally open then I doubt that you truly want to be in a healthy relationship. If you really want things to work out with your ex, leave the mind games behind and bring your A game!

Anger

The ultimate passion killer in my books. Nobody wants to be around an angry person. Anger has it's place (please see my Blog entry on Anger for more info) however it's generally unwelcome in polite company. So why have it out on your partner? Or why let yourself be the emotional punch bag? Anger is one of the highest sins you can commit in a relationship. Most of us wouldn't imagine screaming at an adorable puppy so how could we bring ourselves to yell at our partners? Projecting anger of any form is a low blow and only damages those around you and eventually ourselves. Whenever we are angry at someone we have essentially crossed a sacred threshold and broken their trust. Emotional scars don't show on the surface but they can cut deep and sometimes remain for life. If you have anger issues towards your partner or in general it's best to own up and get some help if you can.

Resentment

Also another facet of anger. Resentment poisons any future hope so long as we hang onto it. Hanging onto resentments may make you feel righteous however in the end they only serve to weigh you down and remain stuck in the past. When we are unable to move past certain hurts we become enslaved by them and eventually end up attracting similar events/characters anyway. The universe is always throwing curve balls to test our abilities to love and learning forgiveness is one the most advanced things we can do, emotionally speaking. Not many of us have actually forgiven from our hearts. If you cannot wholeheartedly forgive your partner for everything then consider the resuscitation of your relationship pointless! Learning to forgive means being able to have compassion and empathy for our mistakes and others. Forgiving your partner for their wrongdoings frees you from the clutches of deep seated anger and negativity. Your partner will be able to feel safe again to open up to you and perhaps be more motivated to love more in return!

So what next?

Once you've done some soul searching, it's time to reach out to your ex! Be confident, positive and truthful. Tell them what you've learned. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you would like to see happen. Don't be afraid to hold back. This is your chance to really show them how much you care and wish to make things better!

Aim to keep your word and don't fall back into old habits!

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sometimes we have to lose something great to realise what it truly meant to us.

Wishing you all the best,

Sophie x 

Click here to access my website for more!

I suspect that my partner is cheating. Is it wrong to spy on them?

Deep down we know it's wrong but the temptation is often unbearable. Who are they texting? What do they really get up to when we're not around? Could they be hiding something or is it our own insecurities at play? Many of us at some point have wanted to check up on our partners. But why?

Perhaps our reasons are completely justified. Maybe you've noticed that they've been more distracted lately. Maybe you're having more arguments. Maybe they're spending more time at work/the gym? With any sudden changes in behaviour, it's all too easy to suspect that they could be keeping something shady from you.

We might confront them, the accused may evade the issue; become defensive; aggressive or even lie. This often leaves us with a feeling of hopelessness. That they leave us no choice but to play detective...

However there are some thoughts and risks we need to take into account. For example, let's imagine if you do uncover something questionable? What if you are faced with the non negotiable fact that they are cheating? How would this make you feel? Are you emotionally ready to accept an act/repeated acts of indiscretion? Then again, what if you discover nothing, would you feel satisfied or suspect that they must have deleted the evidence/have another account/have another mobile? Also, consider the possibility that you might be caught for spying? 

Spying is wrong and damaging, and deep down we know it.

Let's focus on the damage it does to you.  The need to snoop on someone is actually causing you more harm because you are giving your time, focus and energy away from yourself and other priorities. Many of us wish for truth, but we want it now and sometimes in the most destructive way possible! Having to go out of your way isn't actually necessary! Knowing whether your partner is hiding something from you is actually a lot easier than you think (much more on that later). You see, busting into your partner's phone /computer only serves as a distraction from you having to deal with your feelings. Instead of experiencing, releasing and moving past the pain, you are actually prolonging the suffering and anxiety for yourself. 

Not only is it dis-empowering but a waste of your precious time and energy. That time could be better spent on developing the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, family or even with your significant other. To find the truth, we simply need to be ready for it. Only then will the truth reveal itself without you even needing to lift a finger. 

Ironically, spying only serves to create even more distance in a relationship. How we feel about cheating is probably how our partner feels about spying! Both are acts of betrayal in a sense. Now if you happen to stumble across something, that's an entirely different matter. But hacking into their email account is desperate and taking things too far. How would you feel if your partner accused you of cheating and instead of calling it out, decides to snoop instead? I think you get the point. Put yourself in their shoes, guilty or not, how would you wish to be approached?

I know for many, snooping may be justified however it could just drive the two of you further apart. Especially if your partner happens to be innocent!

Spying is morally wrong because we are invading their right to privacy plus the act in itself is in direct opposition to love. Instead of allowing our partners to feel safe to open up to us we are virtually using a crowbar to force entry into their mind and heart. This can cause them to become resentful and seldom motivates them to be truthful anyway. If your partner were ever to find out about your spying ways then there's a chance that they may never forgive you. 

Why do we spy?

Lack of trust

We have problems trusting others or even ourselves. Perhaps we've had our fingers burnt before and are now twice shy. Perhaps your partner is displaying a lot of concerning behaviour that causes you to automatically assume the worst. Whatever the case, best to acknowledge the way you are feeling but don't act out on the urge to snoop (more tips on that later).

Self preservation

We feel that we are entitled to the truth in order to protect ourselves. I agree that we must take measures to protect ourselves however there are other ways to deal with the problem other than spying. Spying is actually a sign of losing control!

Vulnerability and insecurities

Love is the strongest force however it can also make us feel vulnerable and insecure. We are afraid of losing our partners and being rejected by them. We feel hurt, powerless and angry. The feelings become so uncomfortable that we feel the need to transfer these emotions onto our partner, even in an indirect way.

Every time you snoop on your partner you are demonstrating that even if you gave them the opportunity to speak up, you wouldn't trust them anyway. Depending on how connected your partner is to your emotions, they may or may not pick up on this unrest from you on a subconscious level. Often times a partner can sense changes in your behaviour too!

So if spying isn't the ideal solution, what can I do instead?

Investigate the triggers for your suspicions. What alarmed you? Was it something they said or done. Or was it a mere gut feeling? Regardless, it is important to honour but not obey your unpleasant feelings. We are emotional beings after all and trying to deny your pain just causes more pain in the end. When we suppress our unpleasant emotions we are actually damaging ourselves. We are not allowing ourselves to be authentic, we are betraying our own heart. What bubbles to the surface, needs to be released otherwise it will just be a matter of time before we get those creepy feelings again. Don't try to defer your feelings. Don't try to buy yourself time. It's likely that what you are experiencing is a deep rooted concern, inflicted on you well before this relationship. Hence, it is healthy to explore, express and release any negative emotions to bring you closer to your own personal sense of power, serenity and truth.

Stage 1: Confront your demons

I'll need you to put your rational mind to one side for the time being. This is an emotional issue which is best dealt with emotionally. Find a safe and private place to allow the sense of betrayal and anguish to wash over you. Scream into a pillow, attack a punchbag and cry if you must. If you find yourself feeling as though you are in  a childlike state then you are on the right path! Try to get in touch with the real cause of your feelings. What is beneath all the anger and pain? Is it a deep sense of unworthiness; inadequacy; fear or hopelessness? Write it all down. Take responsibility for your own emotions. Please refrain from projecting your suspicions onto your partner (we will deal with them at a later point). No one can make you feel bad unless you let them. And if you feel bad, don't judge yourself but allow it to pass through you. Each time you release the heavy feelings, you will emerge lighter and stronger. Once you feel ready to accept the possibility that they are having an affair, proceed to the next stage.

Stage 2: Speak to your partner

Once you've spent some time processing your thoughts and feelings, now is the perfect time to approach your significant other. You may choose to do this face to face or via Email/Letter. Pick whichever makes you comfortable. Be brave and express your concerns. Try not to attack or accuse them, rather just ask (calmly) whether they are having an affair. Explain that it is important to you and that you can deal with the truth.

What if they are guilty?

Respect the fact that they have come clean. If you still feel hurt and angry then you will probably need to revisit Stage 1. Give yourself enough time to fully process everything. Your guilty partner needs to understand that what they've done is selfish and damaging to the relationship. Ask them to explore the reasons why they felt the need to have an affair. Both of you will need to take some time apart to reflect on everything. If both parties still have love for one another then it's a high probability that they will overcome this. However if your partner shows little remorse or motivation to deal with the problem, consider whether you want to continue a lifetime of being treated badly?

No matter how much we love another person, we cannot make them love us back.

And what if they are in the clear? 

Trust your gut. If you feel they are lying, then chances are it's probably true. All I can recommend is that you consider them innocent until proven guilty. Ensure that their words and actions add up. A person who has a tendency to act in opposition to their words shouldn't be trusted anyway. In which case, this poses an even greater issue (more on this in another post).

On the other hand, if you are blessed with a loyal partner then rejoice! However it may be beneficial to work through any residual feelings so that this wont cause any problems between the two of you somewhere down the line.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more!

The importance of truth in relationships

Honesty is the best policy. And yet many of us shy away from the truth. If truth is so highly valued, why do we still lie?

Frankly, most of us even lie about wanting the truth. If your partner was cheating on you all this time, would you be able to handle it? What would you do? What if they revealed their real motivations for cheating? What if it was because they found you boring in bed; not attractive enough; not rich enough; not smart enough; not skinny enough, etc? What if they confessed that they were just using you until they found something better? How would that make you feel? 

Chances are you would feel an overwhelming sense of hurt, injustice, disappointment and humiliation. To know that this person you loved was toying with your feelings. Had no intention of really being with you. They just used you for their own selfish gain. To satisfy their ego. To fill in the void. To kill some time. For their own entertainment. All those heartfelt moments you shared were actually an illusion. Whilst you may have cared for them deeply, you were nothing but a source of amusement to them. This truth would break your heart. Your world would come crashing down. The sobering realisation that the relationship never existed but was just a playground of lies and deception. A cunning trap to take advantage of your good will and good heart. 

Lies cause destruction to relationships and to one's integrity. Those who lie are naturally overly suspicious of others. After all if they make a habit of doing it all the time then it's easy to assume that others may be playing the same game too? Pathological liars cannot trust anyone, especially themselves. This can only create a restless, complicated and unstable existence for one. The whole point of getting into relationships is because we trust and want to open up to another. Being open means being honest which equates to more intimacy. Therefore lies only serve to create emotional distance and destroy any hope of a real connection. If you are constantly lying to your partner then consider the fact that you are choosing to be selfish and not loving them. You are protecting your own ego and abusing their free will by restricting them access to potentially unsavoury information. Important information that may otherwise cause them to act and behave differently. The more you lie, the less people really know you. Remaining in a relationship where you don't want to know or be known is simply illogical. If you truly loved this person then you wouldn't want them to accept nor suffer for your lies. The truth sets you free as they say.

If we had love for others we would want be truthful and not purposefully engage in relations that we know have no real mileage. We would be upfront about our emotional state. Perhaps we would even learn to love ourselves and seek counselling to break the cycle of hurting and using others. Truth never hurts - only the exposure of a lie. 

I would like to see couples come clean about their lies, even the ones that appear ancient or insignificant. Granted there is a risk that the relationship may disintegrate. However the relationship was never real in the first place. Then again, it may not spell the end in which case there's hope that the relationship could blossom into something more authentic, deeper and fulfilling.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Sophie x

Check out my website for more

Earning Legitimate and Tax Free Money from Home - who wants an extra £500+ a month?

Hi All,

It's been a while since I've posted but I've been busy testing some work from home projects. I may write a separate post on the things that really didn't sit well with me or just plain didn't work.

However I'm pleased to introduce something that actually works and is fairly straight forward. 

If I said you could earn a part time Tax free income of £500+ a month you'd probably tell me to get lost right? Well it turns out that there is such a thing that exists!

I'm always curious to find ways to make honest money from home so I'd thought I'd share my recent experience with you.

What does it involve? 

• Ability to follow instructions
• 1 - 2 hrs a day
• A laptop / computer
• You must be living in the UK. Sorry.

What does it NOT involve?

• Typing ads or reviews
• Trading Binary Options
• Taking surveys
• Affiliate marketing
• Nudity 
• Scamming people

The GOOD (What's so great about this thing I'm eluding to?)

It's RISK and TAX free! And you'll master it in no time. Currently there are over 8,000 friendly members and you'll get to join them through the Facebook group. The young entrepreneur who set up the whole operation even gives you 2 freebies to make your first £45 in 30 mins even before subscribing!

The BAD (Any downsides?)

The only downside is that to continue you'll have to pay £18 for full access to the website BUT this is essential as it contains important training videos to help you achieve that extra income stream. Plus £18 is nothing when some committed people make £5,000 a month from this (if only I wasn't so lazy sometimes...)

The UGLY...

You need to be able to follow his instructions otherwise your mistakes may be somewhat costly (In my first month I made a stupid oversight which eroded an unnecessary £20 from what would have been £100 profit).

I personally made on average, £500 per month over the last quarter and I only spent 2 hours tops doing it every second day. In all honesty it might take you a while to grasp the whole concept however I promise you that you will make profit just by accessing the link below and carrying out the two free offers!

So what are you waiting for?

Click and bookmark the link below and let's start making you some money! And please share the love and forward this blog to anyone you know who could do with some extra income.

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE WEBSITE

Do you have a fear of intimacy?

Nothing compares to falling in love. They make your heart skip a beat. They bring meaning, inspiration and sunshine into your life. You cannot imagine a life without them.

Yet at the same time our instincts urge us to to flee. Whether we act on this feeling or not, we are subconsciously pushing our partners away when perhaps its the last thing we truly want to do.

Why is falling in love so confusing and hard for some?

Two steps forward one step back...

Many of us enter into a relationship with much trepidation. Especially those with a string of failed and painful relationships behind them. We long to be in a happy relationship, to be intimate with someone, to be deeply connected and yet we subconsciously or deliberately sabotage it time after time.  

What are the classic signs of a fear of intimacy?

Avoidance

The person may choose to limit interaction with others. They may be unwilling to reveal too much information about themselves to avoid being judged or potentially rejected. They can also be overly interested in other people in a way to bypass any attention on themselves. People who are overly busy may use their lifestyle as an excuse to being single.

Impossible standards

The person may have impossibly high standards / expectations of themselves or others. They may be overly critical and use excuses for not being in a relationship or loving their partner.

Unrequited love

People who fear intimacy may develop strong feelings for those who are emotionally unavailable or unattainable. This is due to the low demand of personal investment from themselves, thereby avoiding rejection. They would prefer to love from afar than be in situation where they'll feel scrutinized / vulnerable and most likely be rejected.

Short term / Long distance relationships

Those who fear intimacy may favour short term or casual relationships. They feel safer when there is a certain amount of distance from their flame. However it only takes a matter of time before the victim dumps their love interest in search of another. Again, these people do not want to invest too much time with any one person because such investment requires more from them than they are prepared to offer. Revealing more about themselves makes them feel out of control.

Hot and cold

If the sufferer is able to be in a committed relationship this may be wrought with immense spells of them running hot and cold. This often causes a lot of confusion and frustration for the poor partner. It is also very hard for the sufferer too. Too much intimacy can cause sudden alarm bells to ring in their head and before you know it they are giving you the cold shoulder, withholding affection, being mean and distant or avoiding you completely. It's almost as though they are possessed during such phases and the more you try to love or chase them the faster and farther they flee from you. They are conscious of what they're doing yet cannot seem to control it. However they are often tormented themselves and feel ashamed of the pain they are causing to others. The hot and cold act is a means for them to monitor and control the flow of intimacy. 

Where does it all stem from?

Quite simply, past trauma. At some point in their lives (most likely way in the past such as childhood) they had their fingers burnt. They may not even recall the actual event(s) but the emotional impact was so significant that the sufferer is wired to associate intimacy with pain. They may have felt a deep sense of abandoned, rejection, being ignored, criticised or unloved when they were emotionally vulnerable. 

Fearing intimacy also represents a feeling of being unworthy of love. Therefore whenever a person provides love to them when they least expect it, they will mistrust it and will probably reject you. Such victims were taught to work hard for love and will reject it whenever they feel they are undeserving.

What can be done?

Firstly, there needs to be an awareness of the problem. The sufferer needs to consciously become aware of when they are acting defensively and what triggers them. They say that time heals all wounds however merely burying your head in the sand indefinitely, is not going to magic your problems away. Time makes us forget certain things but it isn't a complete cure all. It's what you do with the time that counts. 

If it's you who fears intimacy and you wish to be in a relationship, I would encourage taking some time out to deal with the problem. The decision to remain in your relationship, have a temporary break, etc is yours. However, it's best to be honest with your partner about your feelings and circumstances. Try not to leave them in the dark. Be considerate and kind. Exploring your past emotional wounds will be key into letting go and overriding any anti -intimacy knee jerk reactions. It would be beneficial to understand where your triggers stem from; certain behaviours of your guardians as well as their coping mechanisms. All together these can bring tremendous clarity and self awareness. You'll be able to pin point where it all came from, why it causes you to act a particular way and therefore be able to consciously choose to do things differently. You will be free from your past.

It will take time and some heavy lifting on your part to overcome this emotional restriction. Yet with determination, the right tools and patience you can achieve more emotional freedom and empowerment that you'd ever imagined.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

 

Can you save your relationship?

Are you tired of giving and not getting? Feeling shortchanged in a relationship? Feeling frustrated, confounded or simply unhappy? 

But is your partner really the problem?... Could it be you?

Before we point the finger at our partners, perhaps we should remain humble and see how we may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. That is not to say that you should blame yourself, rather try to see yourself as your partner would. We are often quick to blame our partner or blame ourselves when unhappy. However blaming does more harm than help and doesn't solve anything. If you genuinely want to rescue your relationship then you can begin by stopping to blame yourself or others.

 That's right, no one is to blame. 

So, what else do I need to do?

It really depends on how much you desire change. If you truly want a loving relationship then a great place to start is by focusing on the relationship you have with yourself. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. Let's be honest, if you had an amazing relationship with yourself then you wouldn't need or want anyone else to love you. 

Ask yourself how you feel towards your partner? Are you angry, resentful or sad? Try to get in touch with these emotions and keep asking yourself why you have these feelings. Is it because we have an expectation from them? A sense of them owing something to us? Or perhaps you didn't put boundaries in place? Taking a step back to understand why you're attracting or remaining in an unhappy relationship tells you a lot about your sense of self value. Ask yourself the real reasons for being in the relationship? Is it for the right reasons? For example, would you still love your partner if they had no money or were no longer attractive?

It takes two to tango, two to make a relationship and only one to break it. If you've reached a cross roads in the relationship then something needs to change. When one asks "can I save my relationship?", perhaps they should ask if they can save themselves first. A loving relationship doesn't center around the fulfillment of each others' "needs" (that's simply co-dependency). Needing love from anyone is a clear sign that you have an emotional blockage. When we find ourselves needing love from our partners it's really because we are somewhat reluctant to love ourselves. So what's stepping in the way of your own self love?

Sophie x 

For personal relationship advice or to subscribe to my newsletter please click here

7 Signs that you've met your soulmate

There is a belief that the soul was split into two, that we as individuals incarnate as half of a soul on this earth. Our mission should we choose it is to find that other half of ourselves.With 7 billion people on the planet, finding your soulmate is like finding a needle in the mothership of all haystacks! If you have a feeling someone is your soulmate most likely they are. However for those who are unsure (as I once was), here are some good indicators;

1. You have eerily similar personality traits (makes sense if this other person is supposed to be the other half of your soul). The complete soul has a unique identity therefore both soulmates (or twin flames) will possess this underlying blueprint. 
2. You share the same likes/dislikes. It was no surprise that both me and my soulmate don't watch television, have short attention spans, like the same foods, have the same zaney sense of humour, enjoy lounging at home for days on end and have a penchant for all things luxurious.
3. You can read each others mind! Not kidding. People often regard me as "hard to read". This wasn't the case for my soulmate. We both discovered that we had psychic powers and were able to verbalise random thoughts circling in each other's heads! Spooky!
4. They know everything about you and it doesn't put them off. Try hiding things from someone with laser vision. That's what it's like to be with a soulmate. You feel mentally and emotionally naked around them.
5. You never feel "lonely" in their company. You feel completely at home with them.
6. The relationship progresses at warp speed. Soulmate connections are intense, dramatic, confusing and life altering. It's a non stop roller coaster of ups and downs. The connection will be so intense that you will vacillate between declaring undying love to wishing you'd never clapped eyes on them.
7. They challenge you to become a better person. Be prepared to see the worst sides of yourself being projected at you. If you haven't fully dealt with your emotional baggage you're in for a real shock! Your soulmate may be your very best friend but they also know which buttons to push. On the upside, your soulmate can shed light on your blind spots, bad habits and fears (which can be refreshing and annoying at the same time).

Contrary to belief, soulmates are not often immediately attracted to each other! Quite the opposite. I found myself having a strong dislike for my soulmate (and vice versa) until we got to know each other better. Soulmate connections are not for the faint hearted, they will test you and elude you. However if both sides are prepared to put in the work, it can become the most satisfying and loving relationship of your life.

Sophie x

For personal relationship advice or to subscribe to my newsletter please click here

 

How to get over your ex

How many of us have tried moving on from an ex but only to find ourselves obsessing over them? We dread to think if they've forgotten about us already and moved onto something better. We stalk their facebook page, play sad music, get lost in thoughts of memories you once shared. We hope and pray that they are thinking of us and missing us too. And yet even if we try our best to move on, date other people, conquer the world, lingering thoughts of them still bubble up. Frustrating!

Why is it so hard to get over an ex? The truth is part of you doesn't want to get over them. Your precious time, energy and heart was invested in that person and it takes time and much effort to undo all of those pent up emotions, hopes and dreams. Breaking up is similar to the death of a beloved. To really get over an ex you have to accept that it is over. That means truly believing that you will never have that person in your life as a romantic partner ever again. When we let ourselves experience the actual grief of losing someone we love we can begin to free ourselves.

Love is an emotional thing. It's not logical so there's little point trying to convince yourself how you should FEEL. It is acceptable and normal to have feelings of anger, hurt, fear, pain and depression after a break up. In my 30's I have found that it doesn't get any easier but it's a necessary process in order to free our hearts and souls for someone new.

One of the most controversial pieces of advice I'd received in speeding up the recovery process is to FORCE yourself to think about that person all the time! It actually worked, by the end of the day I was so exhausted and sick of thinking of them that I was actually excited to be working away at my desk. It's like I purged him from my system and this freed up capacity for other interesting things. 

So if you're feeling down about a break up - it's ok to cry! Put down that tub of Ben and Jerrys and hide under the duvet instead. Allow your mind, body and soul to feel the hurt; write about it, sing about it, do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. By allowing yourself to fully experience all the emotions tied to the past, you will no longer be living in the past. Be kind. If you feel like you're missing them, allow yourself to miss them. If you feel like being angry, find a good outlet for the anger. Emotions are made to be expressed, not repressed. Better out than in. Don't concern yourself with what your ex is thinking /doing. This is your moment to be selfish and take good care of yourself. Hold yourself as you grieve. Let yourself have more sleep. Allow the full scale of emotions to flow through you. Release them and offer them up the universe through dance, song, poetry, art,.... or even cleaning! Channel that pain and anguish and transform it into something beautiful.

Don't look to defer the hurt and frustration. Choose to deal with it now. With the right approach, time and support you'll find your feet again and will be able to stand, even stronger.

Personally I feel great after a good cry. Who else feels the same?

If you wish to explore this private matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

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Trust issues in relationships

We've all been there at some point in our lives. They say trust takes time to build but mere moments to destroy. I was broken hearted when I found clear evidence of a lover's betrayal - on our second year anniversary. I felt dazed, angry and sick to my stomach. It was as though he stabbed me right in the heart.

How could he do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?

I kept on asking, begging and pleading for answers but I received none. I blamed him. And when I couldn't bear being disappointment or angry anymore, I ended up blaming myself. Fast forward some years later and BAM, there I was again being cheated on. Little did I understand how much power my thoughts and feelings were carrying. I had attracted these horrifying moments in my life! It was a hard pill to swallow, especially as an enthusiast of "positive thinking". Why did bad things keep happening to me?

How? I was in denial. Positive thinking is just that, positive THINKING. It is not the same as positive feeling. The mind may be fooled but the body seldom lies. Deep inside I held a belief of unworthiness. Deep inside I felt unlovable. Deep inside I trusted no one. How on earth did I acquire such awful beliefs? I look back on my childhood and suddenly it all made sense. These beliefs I carried were from emotional injuries long ago. 

As infants we were born to love unconditionally. However in this world we've all endured some degree of emotional trauma. We learned that love was conditional, based on us behaving in a certain way. And when we didn't conform, we were punished. We have been incorrectly programed to believe that love needs to be earned, deserved.

I trusted my parents, my guardians with my heart and they disappointed me. Such emotional scars run deep and naturally, every time we open our heart to someone, these feelings and fears will be triggered. I do not blame my parents for what they did, for they too are products of emotional injuries. I learned that it is important to take ownership of our feelings - not to apportion the blame. We cannot blame others for hurting us and neither should we blame ourselves. The law of attraction is merely presenting a mirror of what's really within you. It is not there to punish you but to serve as a reminder of some feelings and beliefs trapped inside you. 

With sincere emotional clearing you will find that your law of attraction will change and quickly. You will no longer be a magnet for partners or events that make you mistrust. Your existing partner may even change his/her ways miraculously overnight just by you doing this clearing alone!

So have faith, you are not cursed or doomed to be in unloving relationships. Honour your feelings. Experience them and then release them.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Wishing you love and happiness,

Sophie x

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The harsh reality of Soulmate connections

I blame Disney for filling my head with unrealistic hopes. I expected my soulmate to sweep me off my feet. I expected a knight in shinning armour, to fall in love at first sight and to live happily ever after. My first encounter with my soulmate was one of the most disturbing experiences in my long history of dating. He was mean, aggressive and exceptionally arrogant. A huge pity considering how handsome and well dressed he was. After 2 hours of mutual interrogation over 1 1/2 cocktails we were itching to part ways. Before I could make a run for the nearest exit, he pulled me in for a long and hard kiss. I was bubbling with fury inside. And yet I was so inexplicably drawn to this gorgeous and sweet smelling creature. And so we kissed. Time ceased to exist. Surrounding noise drowned out by the blood now swirling in my head. I broke free for air, muttered "see you later" and ran for my tube. Confused by the whole experience I swore to myself that I would never see that man again.

The next day I received an invitation to join him and some friends for dinner. I accepted with the twisted view that this was potentially a golden opportunity. I had the expectation that he would have handsome (and more charming) friends. It was a rather devious move on my part. However I was decidedly annoyed by his unsavoury comments towards me from the previous evening. Ergo my reluctance to have another round of tonsil tennis. As fate would have it, his friends bailed on him and it was to be another one on one date. Being far too polite to follow suit, I went ahead whilst promising myself that that would be the last time I'd have to deal with him.

That evening I saw a more mellow and easy going man. More conversational and less confrontational, it was easier to actually like him. Inevitably we found ourselves kissing again and I kidded myself on that it was to be the very last kiss.

So far we're just a few days shy of our one year anniversary. It took us months to recognise that we were indeed soulmates and yet we still resist this connection to a degree. I was always skeptical of so called "soulmate" connections until I met him. He was nowhere near as spiritual and yet he was telepathic. We shared childhood experiences and traumas, similar health struggles, immediate sexual compatibility and near identical hang ups. We were synchronised. We deeply understood each other. Both were free spirits but capable of spending 24 hours, 7 days a week in each other's company. I can feel his emotions, almost hear his every thoughts, inner struggles and doubts. We've both rejected each other many times over and yet cannot bear to end the relationship with equal intensity. So many conflicting emotions. Wanting to run away from him only realising that I am merely trying to run away from myself.

Soulmates are the other half of your soul. In other words, they are a part of you, a mirror image of yourself. Blissful love cannot flow through each of you until you have both resolved your own issues. And so the work on myself continues.

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My story: Hated from birth and my journey to enlightenment

Hello world,

Welcome to my blog. I decided to create this page to reach lovely people who are secretly struggling with life. Life is hard and it can truly suck at times. I'm no Debbie downer but I can get real. I've practiced the Secret and whilst I saw some modest gains, I noticed some pot holes in the whole ideology. I've tried the whole "fake it until you make it" and frankly felt nothing but like a dirty fraud inside. How stressful it is for society to EXPECT us to be happy and perfect all the time. People ask me how I am and I still feel pressured to lie. How could I pretend that everything was ok when I was feeling depressed and anxious inside? Little did I know that my true feelings would become my greatest gift.

I've finally made peace with the fact that my life was terrible pretty much from the start and it's time to share my story.

My childhood was far from picture perfect. I am told that I was born late, heavy and difficult. I was an unwanted child and by the time my mother discovered she was pregnant it was too late for an abortion. She desperately wanted a son and I felt hated for being a girl. My upbringing was full of sickness, eating disorders, violence, abuse, abandonment, fear and depression. Often times the pain of her rejection led me to suicide attempts. I felt isolated and as if a dark cloud haunted me everywhere. I shied away from people because I seriously believed I was cursed. When I finally reached the end of my rope, I fled to London with little more than £600 to my name and no job. At 21, I followed my instincts, pushed through the fear and trusted that I had the power to transform my life.

9 years have since past and whilst I've made many mistakes (and deviated from my path) I gradually saw my deepest wishes unfold. I have now discovered that there is more to life than getting the dream job or perfect life companion, it's about having an honest and loving relationship with yourself. 

Despite everything, you hold the key to your own destiny. And I would be honoured to help you on your journey.

Much love,

Sophie x

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